Since Feeling Is First
by PinkFreud
Summary: Jasper teaches Bella some very important things about the way she sees the world, and her role to play in it. Destiny ain't what it used to be, and Bella's whole universe is about to get turned upside down. A/U Jasper/Bella
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Since Feeling Is First

**Author:** PinkFreud

**Rating:** T

**Pairings:** Bella/Jasper

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Twilight_, Bella, Jasper or any other mentioned characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. I do not own the lines of poetry in the first part of the story or the title, they belong to E.E. Cummings. I do not own the song lyrics in this chapter, they are from ''_Rebels_'' by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, off the album ''_Southern__ Accents_.''

_**Bella**_

It was very rare anymore that I had a few moments alone; to be calm. Serenity was, I figured, by now something that I would have to do without. My life had become one hectic misadventure after the next, a strange Gothic novella spiraling out of control. I had grown, over time I suppose, to believe that this was simply to be the natural ebb and flow of my existence: life and death, the frailty of humanity, the frightening, exhilarating, finite understanding that what most people on earth believed to be absolute fantastic, was, without a doubt, absolutely, blindingly real. And while I was grateful to have firsthand proof of that, it was still—though I hated to admit it—a bit of a burden. Being still and calm and enjoying the simple things that occupied the lives of most people, the things that they took for granted, felt like an alien task to me, after all I had been swept up in.

It was a late Tuesday afternoon, and I was sitting in the Cullen's living room, watching the patterns of the shadows as the sun set outside the window, absently twirling my hair. Edward, Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie were out hunting. Esme and Carlisle had gone off somewhere on another errand. I was not alone in the house—Edward wouldn't allow that; he was terribly reluctant about letting me out of his sight even for a short time. Jasper was here, somewhere. He must have been selected for Bella-sitting detail. I rolled my eyes slightly at the thought. I had the sense that he was trying to give me some privacy, but somehow I could almost _feel_ him listening. Jasper didn't listen the normal, human way, of course, and he didn't listen the way Edward could—there was no mind reading there. But Jasper could read the emotions of others almost like a thermometer, and also control them, which, if you really thought about it was almost more dangerous a talent. Thinking and feeling were two entirely different things altogether.

Then, cutting the silence and making my heart shudder a bit, a soft voice came from the doorway behind me.

''_Since__ feeling__ is__ first,__who __pays __any__ attention __to__ the__ syntax __of__ things __will__ never__ wholly __kiss__ you.__''_

I whipped my head around and saw Jasper, lean and golden-eyed, propped lazily against the doorframe, watching me.

''Jesus!'' I swore, and he laughed. His laugh felt like warmth sliding over me. I was briefly reminded of Phoenix. Of sun. Of the desert that seemed to last forever.

''Nah,'' he drawled, still chuckling a bit. ''Just Jasper, I'm afraid, ma'am.''

I turned myself around to face him completely. ''What was that you said before?'' I asked. ''It sounded like…gibberish.''

Jasper feigned a look of utter shock. ''Why Ms. Swan…I can't believe someone as smart as you would dare think such a thing. It's _poetry_.'' The corners of his mouth twitched lightly, as though he were desperately trying to fight back a smile.

I shrugged. ''I didn't really _hear_ what you said,'' I offered.

Jasper nodded. ''I know. That's the point.''

''Huh?'' I asked, slightly confused. But not annoyed. Curious, almost.

He moved closer, sitting down on the edge of the couch beside me. ''Let me repeat for you then, if I may.''

But his lips didn't move. There was no sound, no unfamiliar lines of poetry. Instead, there was just a _feeling_. As deep and warm as my happiest memory, as my love for my family—_both _of my families, as the first time I ever heard the melody of my favorite song send my spirit swirling. And then the feeling grew, expanded like a slowly building supernova—an indescribable emotion, so deep and so vast that it felt like my heart was being cut apart. It was longing, sorrow, but also, inexplicably—_joy._

I felt like such an idiot when I realized that there were tears on my face. I looked at Jasper, confused and furious. His eyes bothered me. They weren't like Edward's. When I looked in Jasper's eyes, that strange golden space seemed to go on forever, down roads that I did not want to go. Eyes that had seen too much. Or, more likely, _felt_ too much.

''Did you do that somehow?'' I demanded, feeling slightly naked. ''What was the point—some weird kind of power trip?''

He didn't answer. We both looked out the window for a moment. He seemed mesmerized by the encroaching night. Neither of us spoke. The strength of the sudden wave of emotion in me was ebbing, not nearly as tremendous and tear-inducing, but still there, somehow, like a faint heartbeat.

''_Wholly__ to __be __a __fool,__while__ spring __is __in __the__ world,__''_ Jasper murmured softly, almost, I thought, bitterly. He gave me one last strange, lingering golden glance and then got up and moved out of the room without making a sound.

For whatever reason, after my strange ''conversation'' with Jasper, I began to consider things a little more—simple things. I found myself being drawn to the subtle patterns in the petals of a flower, of the lines on my own palm. It felt silly, but these small things seemed to me suddenly large and important—they yelled, almost, with a voice all their own.

I suppose I found myself daydreaming more, also. This daydreaming seemed more like, well, _revisiting_ if that made any sense. They were all very much like memories. And the strangest things seemed to bring on these daydreams; for example, I'd catch the faint smell of pecan pie while walking past the bakery in town. And then I'd become oddly nostalgic, thinking of when I was young and Renee had one of those fancy scented candles that smelled just like it. I'd feel safe, like being wrapped in a sweet, sugary cocoon of fall weather and candles and warm blankets and cinnamon. It didn't make any sense, but it made me…happy. So happy that the moment I smelled it I almost started to cry again, the way I had the other day. Embarrassed, I hurried past the bakery, urging my feet to move faster as I headed toward the Cullen's house, trying desperately to think of something else, something like…_calculus_, something without a memory, or feeling, scent or flavor. Something cold and hard like stone; finite and absolute. A law. A set of rules. Something controlled.

When I got to the Cullen's house the next day, Edward wasn't there. This was strange to me; there hadn't been a hint of any danger in the air, but still he typically hovered around me like a hawk. Not that I minded his presence, of course, I depended upon it, but at times his protectiveness bordered on the obsessive. The house was virtually empty. I shivered, standing in the middle of the silent living room.

''They'll all be back soon,'' came a voice from the staircase, a very recognizable Southern drawl. Ugh, my newly appointed babysitter.

''Jasper…'' I said, through gritted teeth, ''you _really_ need to stop doing that.''

He smirked. Somehow, it felt odd that I wasn't at all frightened being alone with him. He _had_ wanted to kill me at one point, turned feral by the scent of my blood. No, I wasn't frightened. Just slightly…unsettled, perhaps. Not in an uncomfortable sense, but something felt a little topsy-turvy, like the disorientation that you feel after stepping off of a boat, before your legs re-adjust to solid ground.

''My apologies, Bella,'' Jasper said, inclining his head towards me in a slight bow. ''I'm sorry if I bothered you yesterday. I hadn't meant to intrude, you just looked a little lonesome. Sorry you got stuck here with me again. Everyone will be back in a few hours.'' Then he raised his eyes up to stare at me, flashing a sudden, almost silly grin.

''Do you want to listen to music?'' he asked.

I laughed, but wound up coughing and sputtering, having literally choked on my own laughter. I really was the world's greatest klutz. ''Uh,'' I gasped out, ''_sure_.'' I wasn't certain what I found so hysterical about Jasper's offer. Perhaps it was the earnest, nearly childlike look on his face.

''It's too _quiet_ in here,'' he explained. ''And I thought that you could use some _real_ music. It might make you more comfortable. Unless you'd rather just leave and have Edward come see you later.'' Jasper's face fell a little, and a brief but rather ugly look swiftly passed over his features.

I shook my head and smiled at him, trying to make him feel more at ease. It struck me as a little absurd. Nothing was really at ease here; there was an almost palpable electricity in the air. But it shouldn't. Aside from that one fateful and unfortunate incident at my birthday party, there was no reason that I should feel strange about being alone with Jasper. I chided myself for being so silly. Still, something had happened the other day, something that I could not describe in words, and it had begun to slowly…change me. This made me excited, but also wary. And _sick __to __death_ of this sudden overabundance of emotion in general.

I looked at Jasper's face. His expression was nearly blank, but I could detect something soft underneath. Something like…pleading. It made me want suddenly to stay.

''_Real_ music?'' I echoed incredulously, eyebrows raised. ''I thought I knew real music.''

Jasper shrugged, but his eyes laughed. He seemed relieved. ''Well, you know certain _kinds._ All that maudlin piano, classical stuff that Edward makes you feel but…I think that you need to broaden your horizons a little bit.''

He gestured for me to follow him up the stairs and I did so, curiously, but….Jasper had said ''_al__l that __maudlin__ piano, __classical __stuff __that __Edward__ makes __you__** feel**_ ''. Surely he'd meant to say, ''makes you **hear,**'' or ''makes you _**listen **__**to**_**.**'' I shrugged idly as I walked behind him, trying not to make too much of it. I was trying to keep everything in my head very neutral.

I followed Jasper down the hallway, until we reached a room upstairs that I hadn't really taken notice of before. ''Is this, uh, your room?'' I asked hesitantly as he pushed the door open.

Again, that lopsided half-smile briefly danced over his features, before he said ''Not exactly. It's sort of a library. We all share it.''

The room was beautiful. There were books everywhere: old, rare volumes and newer novels with fresh dust jackets. There were also thousands of CDs and older vinyl records, all arranged in neat rows. A state of the art stereo system sat against the wall: speakers, CD player, record player…it reminded me a little of Edward's room, but there was a certain aura of warmth in the room. Maybe it was the décor—a little less modern than the rest of the Cullen's house, more…well, cozy was probably the best word. There were a few armchairs and couches for lounging on, and the bookshelves were a beautiful deep polished mahogany. I felt instantly comfortable.

As I stood there, taking it all in, Jasper walked over to one side of the room and started thumbing through the records there. ''See, I know that now there's all this digitized music and that's great,'' he explained as he searched for something, ''because you have a more eclectic variety of music at your disposal..._but,__'' _Jasper turned around to face me with a goofy, endearingly wide and out of place smile, ''there is _nothin__'_ like the sound of one of these.'' He held up a vinyl LP record. ''There is just this _warm_, big sound that all the technology in the world can't improve upon.''

Jasper walked over to the record player, and with very smooth and dexterous motions that I knew I couldn't manage, set the record down and moved the needle so that it found its way into one of the small grooves. ''Ready, Bella?'' he asked, gold eyes inquiring. Before I even had the chance to answer, music filled the room.

It wasn't what I'd expected. The song started out, mournful and angry. The singer's voice sounded like a nasal, gravelly snarl but was somehow beautiful and relentless,

''_Honey,__don__'__t__ walk __out_

_I'm too drunk to follow…_

_you know you won't feel this way tomorrow…_

_maybe a little rough around the edges _

_or inside a little hollow…_

_I get faced with some things, sometimes,_

_that are so hard to swallow…''_

I stood there as the song raged on, burning through my blood. Damn, I had hoped this wouldn't happen again. _Come __on __Bella_, I told myself. _Get __a __grip, __girl!_ But I couldn't help it. I felt like being punched right through the soul. And I wasn't even sure if the concept of a soul was something I absolutely believed in, but if mine really was there, then it had been kicked awake. Jasper's eyes danced and he began to softly sing along with this wild, weary dirge about a wild and weary southern man, trying to balance the weight of the past with the present.

''_Even__ before __my__ father__'__s__ father_

_they called us all rebels _

_while they burned our cornfields_

_and left our cities leveled_

_I can still feel the eyes of those blue-bellied devils _

_when I'm walkin' round at night through the concrete and metal…''_

Against my will, again, I felt tears come to my eyes. But this time it was when I looked at Jasper, who I knew must have seen and felt more of this song than any living person. It must be dreadful to carry around so much, I thought, and I pitied him, but at the same time, I _envied_ him, somehow, because I too wanted to feel that beautiful weight, the weight of so many memories….and yet I didn't. Jasper suddenly looked different to me, and I didn't want to admit what I saw. His eyes went on forever. There was sky there, sun, ground that ran and ran on. The wind. The mountains. The desert. War. Life. Death. I didn't want to feel these surges, these unstoppable waves of emotion because they were slowly changing the way I saw my world. And because for one frightening moment, as I stared there and looked at Jasper, surrounded by music, he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The tears would not stop, and I could not force them away, so I mumbled something like ''I'm sorry, I have to go,'' then turned and ran, down the steps and out the front door of the Cullen's house, trying to force from my mind the smell of fire, the sound of hoof beats, the sound of memory. I let the cold night air sting my skin and I did not look back, somehow afraid that I would see Jasper standing there, knowing too much, _feeling _too much.

I could still feel his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I really like this chapter, for some reason. Maybe because I wrote it after waaay too much turkey and wine, but nonetheless, I am quite proud. Happy Thanksgiving, all! Please read and review**.

''…Ms. Swan?''

My head snapped up. I looked around, momentarily disoriented. I'd been daydreaming again. My face flushed scarlet as I stared into the expectant eyes of my psychology teacher and around the room at the perplexed, amused faces of my classmates. I didn't even know what we'd been discussing.

I cleared my throat. ''Ahem, sorry, could you please repeat the question?''

There were a few slight snickers from around the room. The teacher, Mr. Barrett, looked mildly concerned but repeated patiently, ''Bella, I was hoping that you could explain what Synesthesia is and how it pertains to our understanding of the senses. That is, assuming that you completed the last reading assignment,'' he added.

I tried to clear my head. _Focus,__Bella_. ''Um…Synesthesia is…uh…_confusion_.'' I said, then cringed.

But Mr. Barrett simply nodded and said ''Yes, it is undoubtedly a kind of confusion, but would you please elaborate just a little?'' His voice became kinder, more encouraging.

''Ah….the senses…'' I racked my brain for the right words, trying not to stammer, ''the senses…get mixed up. People who have Synesthesia can maybe, uh, hear colors or taste sounds. It all gets sort of turned inside out and…you're not sure what something really is anymore. We're taught that blue is a color, but if your senses are so confused then to _you_, blue might not be _experienced_ as a color but as a smell, or a sound.''

Mr. Barrett nodded, seeming satisfied by this answer, and then addressed the class again, ''Very good, Ms. Swan. Now can anyone else offer…'' He trailed off and lost me again. I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping that I would not be called on again. I'd been having such a hard time concentrating lately. I didn't mean to keep zoning out, but I felt somehow…jet-lagged. I kept hearing music in my head, and the music would carry in colors and feelings, smells and tastes with it. Maybe I had Synesthesia now, on top of everything else.

It wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. My perception had already been changed so radically after meeting Edward. Entirely foreign concepts that I considered at one time in my life to be myth were now as commonplace to me as orange juice with breakfast. I wondered, though…what if it all could change again. What if the things that I knew to be sound, color, smell, taste, feeling….what if my entire experience of all of those concepts was suddenly turned upside down, like puzzle pieces scattered all over the floor?

Edward drove me home after school that day, and I tried to focus all of my energy into keeping my drifting mind on our conversation, but I was having a hard time. I knew that he could tell I was distant, but couldn't know why, and this frustrated him. It frustrated me, too, because I had no answers.

I tried to keep my mind on small details: I went inside, cooked spaghetti for Charlie, did my homework, then went to lay down in bed. Spaghetti was still the same, the chairs were still chairs, and my room was still the same color it had been. Nothing had changed that I could tell. Then I stared at the ceiling, a little too intently perhaps, because I noticed small cracks that I didn't even know were there. They almost looked like a map.

I closed my eyes, and began to drift into sleep when I felt someone sit down on the bed. I blinked myself awake, expecting to see Edward, but instead Jasper was there, looking at me with a blank expression. My heart seemed to catapult itself right into my throat.

''Oh, Jas…'' I groaned and pulled the pillow over my head. ''Go away! How are you going to explain to Edward why you were sitting in my bedroom this late at night? Or, you know, why you were sitting in my bedroom _at_ _all?_''

He reached over and yanked the pillow off my face. ''I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't mean to make you cry, Bella.''

I glared at him. ''It's _fine_, Jasper,'' I muttered. I began to nervously twist the blanket in my hands, trying to force myself to escape from the overwhelming feelings that were starting to build in me once again. He didn't say anything. He just stared. And then I exploded.

''I don't know where you get off! It's not _fair_! You and Edward both, all of you….my life is never going to be the same again, and that's _fine_ but I don't have any special powers, except that I seem to cause chaos wherever I go! And maybe chaos is fine if it's familiar enough. It just seems normal then, but….but sometimes I can't stand it all. It feels like I am being constantly dragged along with some weird current that I cannot control and it's too big for me and it's pulling me under. I love Edward, I do, more than anything…and maybe I have a vague idea of my destiny, but it's not destiny that bothers me. It's _life._ It's those in between spaces. Destiny…it means that you _know_. It means that things are certain. They _have __to __happen_. But it's the not knowing, the uncertainty, that bothers me.''

Jasper was still silent for a moment, and then he said softly, ''I know what you mean. Even when you live forever, there are still those spaces. And some things become clearer but then again, some things just keep getting stranger. And because I can control and feel the emotions of others, well….''

He paused and pushed his long hair out of his eyes before he continued, ''that makes everything even harder to get a handle on. Emotions don't operate the way thoughts do, they're wild and unpredictable and don't follow rules. And they're powerful; defying logic. We don't know why we…want what we want or love who we love, we only know that those feelings are _there_, and that they drive us, like a blood lust.''

Jasper swallowed and continued. ''I'm sorry that I have been…trying too hard to…'' He broke off, and didn't finish the thought. Instead, after a beat he asked ''Did you like the music the other day?''

I nodded in the dark. ''I liked it,'' I admitted quietly. ''But there was almost too much. It was too different. For some reason, it almost…cracked me apart.''

I swore I could almost see Jasper smiling. ''Not maudlin and tragic enough for you?'' he asked, almost sarcastically.

I laughed a little. ''No, it wasn't maudlin and tragic. It was more….rough and wild. Less refined. Less…''

''Predictable?'' Jasper supplied.

I sighed. ''I suppose.''

''Good.''

I raised an eyebrow. ''Excuse me?''

''Well, anything that becomes too commonplace after a while fails to challenge you. Even if that which is commonplace to you would scare the living daylights out of someone else. It's all relative.'' Jasper sighed. ''I just wish that you'd stop forcing yourself to think so hard about everything and just….well, _feel_.'' He sighed.

I twisted the blankets through my fingers a few more times and pondered his statements. I fought the words that came bubbling up in my throat like old vomit, but they came tumbling from my lips nonetheless:

''I'm afraid to feel. I'm…comfortable with the madness in my life the way it is. Falling in love with Edward…learning about the existence of vampires…and other creatures that _everyone_ had sworn up and down and assured me were just simply not real…confronting all of that insanity was enough to send me into a kind of shock. I don't honestly think I can stand another shock, Jasper. I've had enough.''

''Had enough?'' Jasper echoed. He sounded like he was choking, or perhaps trying to cough around a wild fit of laughter. He looked hard into my eyes, the ferociousness of his gaze not allowing me to turn away, forcing me to engage this unholy beauty. I took in a deep, hard breath, not realizing that, when one is concentrating hard enough on it, the simplest and most primitive of tasks can feel like an enormous trial. At that moment, I was not sure that my lungs could hold all the oxygen that I needed; the gargantuan effort that it now took merely to force my chest to rise and fall with the sudden influx of air.

But Jasper seemed to automatically sense it, and so he nodded and said, almost apologetically,

''You see what I mean, Bella?'' He leaned slightly closer to me, that golden, feral look in his eyes nearly paralyzing me, as if Jasper's look could hold a venom all its own. _Power __over__ emotion_, I mused, and then I once again considered my earlier hesitance to such a gift and re-validated it. Power over emotion was far more dangerous than any other.

''It never goes away, Bella.'' Jasper's voice sounded worn. ''It only gets worse when the centuries begin. At first, you count when you reach that hundred year mark. It's like, when you are a child, and time always seems to crawl along then…one year seems to last forever. Counting the days until your next birthday, the next holiday…the next time for celebration. And it is only when you fully understand how slow time can really move; when you understand that there is no real reason to even count the days, years, _decades_, anymore…that's when you finally begin to understand.''

My skin felt frozen, but tiny pinpricks were rising along my skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps. Then, Jasper abruptly changed the subject, forcing me down that dimly lit and strange road that I had been desperately trying to avoid.

''Does Edward make you feel safe?'' He asked me. His eyes plunged inside me, as if earnestly seeking the answer before I dared give it.

''Well…yes,'' I offered. It was the truth, as best I knew it to be.

''But I don't,'' Jasper stated matter of factly. ''I make you very uncomfortable. You're afraid of me.''

I blushed and tried to duck away from those probing, shining eyes. I stuttered and stammered and chewed on my words like old gum found in the bottom of my purse before I finally responded. ''Yes.'' I repeated, then swallowed with difficulty and elaborated. I offered Jasper at least that much. ''You make me uncomfortable.''

Jasper nodded, as though he were expecting this answer, as though he'd been expecting this answer for a hundred years. But the nod was a hesitant and sad one. It didn't seem natural; he struggled with the action. He only agreed with me in order to humor me. Me, the human.

''Edward doesn't really touch you, does he?'' He asked. Before I even got a chance to answer, Jasper rushed ahead. ''He refuses you, over and over again. He's afraid that somehow he'll hurt you. As if you could _possibly_ be hurt worse, more emotionally injured.'' Jasper laughed, bitterly and brokenly. His voice sounded like cracked concrete. ''And yet you _want_ more from him, so desperately. How quickly you forget, Miss…'' Jasper's words were now becoming more clipped and formal. The consummate Southern Gentleman. ''…You forget that he once wanted nothing more than to drain your blood. The mere scent of you supposedly drove him mad.'' Jasper laughed a little. The laugh sounded like false politeness, like fine china lying shattered and splintered on the floor.

''Edward,'' he continued, ''is from an entirely different world entirely, even by historical and sociological standards. He's very naïve. And he continues to operate within this ridiculous and antiquated code of chivalry and virtue.

''That's not to say,'' Jasper spoke wildly, ''that his motives aren't pure. But he was young when he was turned, and has not grown with the rest of the world beyond that point. He's….frozen, Isabella. _Miz__ Swan_''. He added my surname almost as an afterthought, drawing out the each syllable with a honey-sweet Southern seductiveness, as though he were making love to each word in sinful, wicked ways, and knew it.

''Just by knowing you, by being near you, I can tell that you want more than that. You need more. You crave contact. You need someone who isn't afraid to hold you.''

It felt as though my stomach were dropping clear out of my body. Those dips and spins, you know what they mean. Either you've had way too much cheap shit to drink, or someone has gotten under your skin. Someone beautiful and lean and dangerous. It's a dance as old as time. Those eyes…that hunger…your every cell screams to know what their body could feel like. How they might hold you. Different, obviously from the comfortable familiarity of your lover. The predictable, restrained press of lips. You begin to feel flat and one dimensional. A sketch slashed with charcoal across paper, haphazardly. But you are three dimensions, at least, and those dimensions are continuously, viciously _alive_, growing and expanding. Life cannot seek love from the dead. I suddenly felt my spirit contort, almost grotesquely, almost _groan_ in pain as I realized that Jacob, my dear friend, had been right all along. It didn't matter, no, no…ever with these new feelings and understandings crashing over me, bathing me, _drowning_ me, I could not allow them to be so…. I had to stave them off somehow, and I ransacked my brain for some scrap of offering, some detail as to how to hold on to something being yanked away from me as primitively as air. I looked as Jasper and felt like I was dying, but some part of me screamed, screamed louder than any sound my consciousness had ever known. It wanted life, it wanted danger and sky and dirt and roads that ran on and on. Every intellectual cell in me fought against it.

''I thought I knew real strength,'' I thought to myself, as I felt some part of me begin it's slow descent to surrender.

I recalled old Biology classes, clinging to the memory, the assurance inherent in that fine print in the textbooks. _Drowning,__despite __all__ of__ the __psychological __trauma __associated __with __the __concept,_ I recited to myself, ''_is, __in __actuality, __one __of __the__ '__better__' __ways__ to__ die.__Once__ the__ body__ succumbs__ and__ the__ water__ is__ inhaled__ into__ the__ lungs,__a__ feeling__ of__ euphoria__ sets__ in__ before__ death__…''_

It didn't matter what the fuck Biology or said. Had Biology ever drowned and then got up and talked about how _euphoric _it all was? Pretty word, for such a primal, awful thing.

But then again, I thought as I looked at Jasper and felt…well, _hungry_ was probably the only appropriate term…for the most part, people had very much the wrong idea about death, in general.

''Desire,'' said Jasper quietly, ''_real_ desire, anyway, does not pretend to disguise itself. It is a hunger that burns you from the inside out, pure and simple. It doesn't just turn on and off like a faucet. And like the euphoria of _drownin__'_, Miz Swan, it's a psychological contradiction. But still real as all hell. _Realer, _even, somehow.''

Jasper had moved his face perilously close to mine, then, so close that I could feel the abrupt contrast: the icy coldness of his skin juxtaposed against the endless burning of his eyes. That burn, I was beginning to realize, raged deeper, deep into the very core of him.

Some part of me began to burn then. Ignited.

Answering Jasper's challenge, I began to drown in fire


	3. Chapter 3

_**Flashback**_

_**1 month earlier**_

_''**It's all changed…'' Alice murmured to herself. Her eyes stared, her face appearing blank and absent. But there was nothing blank about the vision she had received. It was, in fact, startling in its clarity. **_

_**Jasper and Bella. The two of them, sitting together on a bed, faces close together. They looked intimate. They wore the expressions of new lovers, except that Bella seemed as though she were struggling with the gravity of what was going on. She was fighting her feelings, fighting them with every ounce of her strength. But then, Bella gave in, leaning over and surrendering her lips to him. She had decided.**_

_**Alice blinked, and the vision cleared. There was a slight feeling of dizziness in her stomach, and perhaps shock, but strangely enough, she did not feel any sense of betrayal, jealousy, or anger the way she had expected to. She felt calm, actually. Though this vision had upset the balance of everything that she had known before, many things had. A person who can see the future understands better than anyone that it was wildly unpredictable, the choices people made, and why. The more unfortunate thing about the visions was that she only saw pieces. She saw the what and where and who but the why was often clouded. **_

_**Alice sank down onto a chair and puzzled over these new developments. She knew that she should not say anything, at least not until she had seen more. Jasper could not know, Bella could not know, and above all, Alice felt, Edward could not know until there was more certainty. She sighed wistfully, and thought of Jasper. She had loved him for so long, but love, like anything else, was subject to change. That was the nature of life. That was even the nature of death, she thought wryly. Rosalie seemed to want so desperately to cling to the notion that they were all simply frozen there, as if existing somewhere outside of time, but this was only true for their bodies. Their minds, their hearts, these things still moved and grew and evolved. Love did not freeze, stay in a suspended state. The undead were subject to all the same complexities of human relationships as the living. They could still feel.**_

**_Alice sighed again and drew her knees up to her chest. She closed her eyes and pictured Jasper. She felt warm, comforted by the knowledge that they had shared such a deep love for so long. And now, everything must move. ''Oh, Jas, I am really going to miss you,'' she whispered. Her soft voice echoed in the empty room._ **

**End Flashback**

**Bella**

A terrible thought sliced through the foggy curtain that was hanging over my mind, jerking me momentarily out of this strange but exciting nightmare. This nightmare in which I was about to kiss Jasper, in which I _wanted_ desperately to kiss him. I didn't care if he broke me apart, I needed him. But then-''Alice!'' I yelled, putting my hands on Jasper's shoulders and pushing him away from me with all of the self-control I could muster. ''How can we do this to Alice? She's my best friend! She loves you!''

Jasper put his hands up. ''Bella, Alice already knows.''

''Wait, what?'' I was horribly confused. ''She…you mean….she saw us? In a vision?''

He nodded. ''About a month ago.''

I gasped. ''She's known for that long? Oh, God.'' I put my face in my hands. Jasper reached over and tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. I wanted to curl into a ball. My mind was reeling.

''She must have been so upset,'' I mumbled. No wonder I had seen very little of her over the past several days. But then,

''Wait!'' I cried, sitting bolt upright, ''then does that mean Edward—''

Jasper shook his head, cutting me off. ''Edward doesn't know. At least not yet. Alice has managed to keep this very well hidden from mostly everyone. Carlisle knows, and Esme, but not Emmett and Rosalie, I don't think. ''

''Is that why it's just been you and me alone in the house so many afternoons?'' I whispered. I kept thinking about how I must look to those of the Cullens who knew this secret, even before I did, even before I knew that I would play such a different kind of role.

Jasper reached over and rested his cold hand against my face, tipping it up so that he could look me directly in the eyes. ''Yes,'' he admitted. ''Alice felt that it would be better that way. She deliberately tried to keep Edward as far away from us as possible without him getting suspicious.''

This was insane. ''So,'' I said slowly, desperately trying to understand exactly what sort of fucked-up logic was operating here, ''Alice has been _helping_ you….what…_seduce_ me?'' I swallowed hard, almost choking on the very idea.

''It's not as simple as that,'' sighed Jasper. ''Apparently it's not just about you and me anymore…something is going to happen if you and Edward stay together. Alice didn't give a lot of details, but for whatever reason, what's happening now between you and me, what…happened at your birthday party,'' Jasper's eyes turned dark at the memory, as he continued, ''is all part of a necessary chain of events. You and I are supposed to be together now. And Edward…he has to be with someone else. He will find out about us, apparently, and he will be hurt and angry, but Alice has assured me that he's going to be forgiving, eventually.''

''Eventually,'' I echoed sadly. I put my hand over Jasper's. ''This….seems so wrong. I mean, it **feels **right, and I'm really…ashamed of that.''

Something else was troubling me, too. ''Jasper,'' I asked, ''how, um, how _long_ have you felt this way about me?''

He moved over on the bed so that he was sitting directly next to me. I knew that this couldn't be easy for him, in so many ways. Jasper slid a cold arm around my shoulder and I shivered from the contact. I used to sit this way with Edward, and yet he had never made me so….**unsettled.** Not even after I learned his true nature, what the scent of my blood could do to him.

''I've…wanted you since the first time I saw you. Much in the same way that Edward did, I suppose, but I was…well…'' Jasper laughed lightly and shook his head, trying to find the right word, ''Let's just say that when it came to you, I didn't have Edward's….self-control. Or his **morals**, for that matter.''

''Morals?'' I echoed.

''You know what I mean,'' Jasper continued. ''Edward and I, we're two very different personalities with very different upbringings, and very different pasts, even after we were changed. He prides himself on his self-control, but at times he almost pushes it too far. All the restraint he shows when he's around you…well,'' Jasper made a face, ''I could never understand it. It seemed to go against everything in our nature. I suppose back then it was wishful thinking but I always thought that in your heart, you were more like me. And I wanted so desperately for you to be mine. I…never thought that he deserved you. I never thought that he really let you live up to your potential. He was always trying to be so damned chivalrous, trying to do the right thing when he didn't even know what that was.''

I leaned against Jasper, pulling one of my blankets around us. There was still an icky, cold feeling flip-flopping around in my stomach when I thought about Edward learning about us.

''He's going to hate me, Jasper,'' I murmured. ''I really, really don't want to hurt him like this, prophecy or not. Just because Alice saw us together in her vision doesn't really absolve us.''

Jasper kissed the side of my forehead, cold lips grazing my skin with a deliberate, difficult restraint.

''Edward will never and could never hate you, no matter what you did, Bella. He just **can****'****t**. He will, in the end, want what is best for you and what makes you happy. That's all he cares about. But me, on the other hand…'' Jasper expression was now something halfway between a grin and a snarl, ''he's going to want to rip me apart. Literally.''

He stared up at the ceiling, contemplating it for awhile, almost meditatively, while I mulled all this over. ''Almost looks like a map,'' Jasper mumbled. I looked at him quizzically, but before I could say anything, he lapsed once again into the previous conversation, explaining

''He left you once before, even though he knew you'd be hurting somethin' awful. Thought he was _protecting_ you from the dangers of his life.'' Jasper scoffed. ''Protectin' you from **me**, more like. On some level, he understood that I wanted you just as much as he did, if not more, but I was willing to do something about it. Edward has never stopped hating himself, or at least what he became. He never really completely adjusted to this new life, I don't think. In a way, he wishes more than anything else that he was still human. And I'm sure that's why he was so drawn to you. Your humanity makes him feel human, almost vicariously. It's something to be treasured, and protected. He doesn't want anything to get in the way of that. I don't agree with Edward. And he knows that. I guess I will just have to be the bad guy in this equation.''

Jasper smiled ruefully, then added ''I **am** a monster, after all.''


	4. Chapter 4

_**I slid my fingers through Jasper's hair, moving myself closer to him, deepening our kiss. He kissed me passionately, wildly, without restraint. He tasted cold and wonderful, and I knew that he wanted to devour me. Excited by this knowledge, I lightly bit his lip, testing him. He growled and rolled me onto my back, his face feral…**_

_**The dream changed then, phasing swiftly and seamlessly into another scene. I did not seem to be physically present there, just observing, as if on a screen. It was Volterra. The Volturi stood in a neat row of cloaks and scowls. Edward was kneeling before Aro, head bowed. He did not appear to be hurt, but he was as still as a statue. Nobody spoke. There was a tense aura of hesitation in the air. But something else was strange. Even before I even saw her, somehow I knew. For a single second I could understand it all, I saw why it had to be this way…but then it disappeared, I lost it. She turned and looked in my direction, as if she knew that somehow I was watching, and she nodded her head. Standing beside Aro and Caius, clad in a long, black robe, was Alice.**_

When I woke abruptly the next morning, my heart pounding from the memory of the strange dream, Jasper was gone, but there was a note on the pillow beside me.

_''My Dear Miz Swan,''_ it read,

_''Come meet me at the house later. Carlisle wants to talk to both of us. There's been some new developments. Nothing to worry about, though._

_Jasper _

I frowned down at the piece of paper, then set it aside and climbed out of bed. Stretching, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Ugh. My hair looked like a rats nest. My face also seemed thinner, more angular. I looked…well, like someone whose life had just been shaken like a snow globe.

I was rummaging around in my dresser drawer looking for a hairbrush when I heard a knock at the door downstairs. Sighing, I made a face at the mirror and descended the stairs. Yanking open the door, I couldn't help but cringe and turn bright red when I saw Alice standing there.

''Hey, Bella,'' she said warmly, her little pixie face lighting up.

''I…um…hey, Alice,'' I mumbled, turning away slightly. Alice clucked her tongue and bounced past me into the house. ''Really, Bella,'' she called over her shoulder, ''you don't need to look so guilty and distressed. I already know, remember?''

''Ah,'' I said, closing the door and following her, ''yeah, Jasper told me. I can't help feeling guilty about it, though. Edward….''

''You can't help_ feeling_ in general, Bella; it's all right.'' Alice walked into the living room and plopped down onto the couch, crossing her legs and staring at me earnestly. ''Really, did you think that you would honestly **never** feel something for anyone other than Edward? You_ are_ only 17. Very rarely does anyone fall in love forever at that age. Why do you feel like you should be any different?''

''I…don't really know,'' I admitted, sinking down onto the sofa beside her. ''I guess because Edward seemed so certain. And because, well…because of what he is.''

Alice nodded. ''So, you think that because Edward will stay young and unchanged forever, you are somehow obligated to make your love for him eternal?''

''No, not necessarily…I just…can't believe that this is happening now. I can't believe that I could actually have…'' I trailed off, trying to figure out the right words to express my confusion and guilt.

''That you could actually have feelings for someone other than Edward,'' Alice finished for me, simply. She shrugged. ''You had feelings for Jacob, too. You're _allowed_ to feel, Bella.''

''But this is different!'' I exploded, jumping to my feet and beginning to pace the floor, ''Jasper is supposed to be with **you.** And I'm supposed to be with Edward. Me being with Jasper is…unnatural.''

Alice cocked her little pixie head to the side and pondered this for a moment. ''Why?'' she asked. ''I don't remember seeing it written anywhere in stone that you are absolutely supposed to be with Edward. You have free will, Bella. Even destiny sometimes is forced to adapt to human whims. That's why the future always changes.''

She took my hand and smiled at me. ''Bella, what if I told you that, based on my most recent visions and insights, your destiny _is_ to become one of us, but not to be with Edward. That, in reality, for you to continue to stay with Edward would lead to terrible consequences?''

I didn't answer right away. Then, I swallowed and said ''I guess I would have to let him go.''

Alice nodded. ''I couldn't have said it better myself, Bella. Sometimes…it's better to let him go.''


	5. Chapter 5

''**I've got another confession to make**

**I'm your fool**

**Everyone's got their chains to break**

**Holdin' you**

**Were you born to resist**

**Or be abused?**

**Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?''**

**-Foo Fighters ''Best of You''**

Alice offered to drive me back to the Cullen's house. I squirmed a little in my seat, butterflies beating against the inside of my stomach. I was just so apprehensive. I had no idea what Carlisle wanted to talk to me and Jasper about, but it had me worried. And something else was causing my frayed nerves to go into overdrive: Edward might be there. In fact, he would **probably **be there. And how on earth could I face him?

Alice seemed remarkably relaxed. It seemed strange to me, her laid-back and accepting nature of all of these abrupt changes; possibly losing Jasper being the hardest blow, but I supposed that she probably had some insight that she wasn't sharing. My mind flashed back to the dream that I'd had the night before; Alice robed in black, standing with the Volturi. Edward, kneeling before Aro. What had it all meant. Did it all have something to do with what Alice had said to me earlier, _''…your destiny is to become one of us,but not to be with , in reality, for you to continue to stay with Edward would lead to terrible consequences?''_ I fest incredibly frustrated, unable to know what these ''terrible consequences'' were.

We pulled into the drive and then walked into the house. I breathed a sigh of relief when the only two people that I saw seated in the living room were Jasper and Carlisle. Jasper's eyes changed when he saw me, I noticed, growing brighter and warmer. His expression relaxed a little. I smiled at him, and waved a little. Carlisle gave me a gentle smile also, which threw me. For some odd reason, I had expected his face to be…graver? More grim? As if he understood this, Carlisle motioned for me to sit down beside Jasper. I did so, settling comfortably next to him. ''Well, hello again ma'am,'' he whispered. I fought the urge to grin, and fortunately Carlisle began speaking just then.

''Bella,'' he started, ''I hope that you don't mind if Alice stays while we talk. She…probably knows and understands more than you might think.''

I nodded slowly. ''Sure…that's, um, that's fine.'' I cleared my throat.

''Alright, then,'' Carlisle resumed, ''We seem to have an interesting situation here.''

I flushed a brilliant scarlet. Sensing my embarrassment, Jasper laid his cold hand over my sweaty one. I felt instantly calmer.

''Bella, nobody here is upset with you at all. Quite the opposite, we love you and are trying to help and support you,'' explained Carlisle.

''I just, I don't really understand,'' I blurted. Great, now I was going to start babbling like a loon. ''I don't understand why I'm feeling this way, for starters.'' Carlisle raised his eyebrows at this, but I raced on, ''I don't understand how Alice is ok with this, I don't know what on Earth Edward must suspect at this point, I don't understand what kind of ''terrible'' consequences will occur if he and I stay together, and I am feeling so horribly guilty and confused, but also so weirdly…satisfied! What the hell is really going on?''

Exhausted by my own ramblings, I leaned back on the couch and briefly closed my eyes.

Carlisle spoke then, after waiting patiently for me to finish. ''Bella, open your eyes.'' I obeyed.

''You need to trust what's going on. All of the exact details have not been made clear yet. Let me make you understand something, what is happening here is not wrong. It is not bad, or unnatural, any more than you falling in love with Edward was unnatural. Edward has never understood your acceptance of him, and more so, your desire to become like him. He has not ever fully accepted his transformation, what he is no. Where as you look at our kind, and him, as something fascinating and wonderful, he still sees himself as a monster and a soulless killer. He is never going to change his mind about this. He hates himself this way, he always has. He has never found any joy, or anything worthwhile in this existence.''

Carlisle's face grew sadder and momentarily broken as he continued, ''He tried so desperately to push you away because he saw himself as causing you the most danger, when in reality he put you in so much more danger by leaving you alone. He doesn't understand. And he will, with what I'm sure he believes to be the best intentions, continue to accidentally hurt you while trying to save you, until it will be too late. For both of your sakes, this time, the best thing truly is for one of you to leave. I know that you want to become one of us, and that this was promised, and foreseen. But it has also been seen that Edward does not ever intend to change you. He needs you to be human too much. It makes him feel human. In truth, though Edward has always meant well, Bella, he loves your humanity, your mortality more than you. If you were one of us, he would slowly begin to hate you. And he might do something very, very misguided.'' Carlisle didn't elaborate on what misguided thing Edward might do, but I could see where this was all headed. I was supposed to become a vampire. I wanted to be one, more than anything, and I had thought this was because I wanted to be with Edward forever, but the more I saw of his world I realized that I really just wanted to be _there_ forever. Belonging to my family; to Carlisle and Esme, Alice, Emmett, and…Jasper. The Volturi would come after us if I remained human, and Edward might be driven to some terrible course of action if I didn't. I was between a rock and a hard place.

''Oh,'' was all I could say.

''And Bella,'' Carlisle continued, ''you feeling the way that you do is not wrong. I think it's safe to say that, just the way Edward was drawn to you because of your humanity, on some level you were drawn to him because he was a vampire. You both want the opposite thing.''

_''Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice,''_ I murmured to myself.

''So you do know some poetry after all,'' Jasper whispered around a smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Thanks very much to everyone who has read and reviewed! I am so glad you like this story; I am really having fun writing it. Line of poetry in italics is by e.e. cummings. **

After our conversation with Carlisle, Jasper and I went for a walk together. My mind was reeling once again, but in a good way. I felt almost…giddy. Something inside me was beginning to understand that it was alright to accept the new emotions that I was feeling about Jasper, that they were not something to be afraid of, something bad or wrong. I could actually…enjoy them.

The day was overcast and damp, typical Forks weather. He was quiet for awhile, but every now and again he would glance over, meet my eyes, and smile. My stomach would flutter a little bit and I would blush and look down at the ground.

''So Jasper,'' I said at last, seeing no sense in avoiding conversation, ''that poem you were quoting from the other day, how does the rest of it go?''

Jasper grinned at me. ''I knew that you would be curious eventually. It goes on somethin' like ''_My__ blood __approves,__and __kisses __are __a__ better __fate __than __wisdom.__''_ He'd wickedly emphasized the word ''blood.'' ''Are you serious?'' I laughed. ''That's kind of a strange line.''

''Oh, I don't really think so, Miz Swan'' he drawled, ''Blood and kisses make perfect sense to me.''

We paused for a moment, and stood together. Jasper pulled me to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he leaned down and whispered into my ear, ''I am not ever going to pretend that this is easy, right now. I am not gonna pretend that I'm not going crazy being so close to you, not going to say that I don't want with every fiber of my being to taste your blood. But you already knew all this. I don't want to keep you as a fragile little human doll that I can love from afar. I want you to be just as strong as me. I want you to embrace our world, not protect you from it. And I know that's what you want, too. Soon, you'll have it, we'll make sure of that. Til then, though, I do want to make you understand, I will never hurt you, but...sometimes I might get a little…rough. If I ever go too far, you have to tell me so. I won't hold back, though, until you say. Because you've gotta know, Bella, you drive me crazy.''

Jasper crushed his lips against mine, wrapping his arms so tightly around me that I would probably bruise, but I didn't care. I allowed myself to respond, kissing him with the kind of unrestrained passion that I had been desperate to share with Edward. But Edward had always held back, always pushed me away, never allowed himself to go right to that precarious edge.

It had begun to rain, lightly. We broke apart after a moment. I sighed deeply and looked into Jasper's eyes , which were wild and full of desire. ''See?'' he whispered, resting his forehead against mine, listening to my labored breathing, hearing my heart slam in my chest. ''I knew I wouldn't break you.''

Jasper wanted to stop and visit a friend of his, a Civil War historian who supposedly had some new diaries in her possession. Apparently, they were written by someone that Jasper might have known when he served in the Texas Cavalry. When Jasper mentioned ''Civil War historian,'' I thought of a stuffy old man smoking a pipe, I'm not sure why. But instead, Jas brought me to the Forks Public Library, where I was introduced to a tiny, chubby lady in her 60s, with frizzy red hair and glasses with rhinestones on them. She nearly fainted with delight when she saw Jasper in the doorway of her office.

''Oh, my, there's my handsome young friend! Come in, come in!'' She wildly motioned the both of us inside. ''And such a lovely young lady, too! Why Mr. Jasper, you didn't tell me you had such a pretty friend. I just might be getting _jealous_, now!'' She laughed loudly. I smiled. The lady seemed nice, just possibly cuckoo. I decided that I liked her.

Jasper bowed a little, and introduced us, ''Miz Cooper, this is Isabella Swan. Bella, this is Molly Cooper, Civil War historian and the Director of this library, as well. She and I have been good friends for some time.''

''Nice to meet you,'' I said, and waved.

''And it's a pleasure to meet you too, sweetheart! And you're a lucky girl; I have never met a more polite, well-mannered, intelligent young man than your Jasper. And one so interested in history, as well!''

I nodded. ''He is certainly very fond of history,'' I agreed.

Jasper spoke up, ''Speaking of which, Miz Cooper, you mentioned something to me about a diary that you'd come across. If you don't mind, can you tell me some more about it? It sounds fascinating.''

''Of course, of course, and it is certainly fascinating.'' Miz Cooper reached into one of her desk drawers and pulled out a carefully wrapped, very old-looking leather bound book. ''It was written by a Colonel in the Confederate Army. Served in Texas, I believe it was, name of Louis Shane. He apparently went mad during the war, started drinking very heavily and finally died one day in some kind of delirium. Toward the end of his life, he began writing the most curious things. Ranting on and on about demons with red eyes who would go on rampages, ripping out people's throats, and so forth.''

I quickly glanced at Jasper. His outward expression remained calm and unfazed, but I could see his eyes widen slightly, looking a little pained. ''That's…very interestin', Miz Cooper,'' he said carefully. ''Could I hear some of what this Colonel wrote?''

''Oh, certainly, though it's a little macabre. Poor soul, the war just got to be too much for his mind.'' Ms. Cooper gingerly slid the book out of its wrapping and with great care, opened it. ''Ah,'' she said, ''here it is.''

''_I__ think __I__ must __surely __be __going __mad_,'' she began to read aloud, '_'__these __creatures __look __human __in __many __ways,__but __they __are __deathly __pale __and __their __eyes __are __blood-red.__They__ have__ done__ unspeakable__ things,__behaving__ with__ such__ brutal__ violence_ _that__ they__ seem__ to__ be__ demons.__They__ are__ unnaturally__ quick__ and__ strong,__and__ I__ have__ witnessed__ terrible__ acts__ at__ their__ hands.__They__ kill__ at__ will,__and__ rip __out__ the__ throats__ of__ their __victims.__Like __an __animal.__''_ She paused, scanning the page for something. ''Oh yes, here it is,''

''_I__ have __heard__ similar__ tales__ from__ other __soldiers.__One__swore __to__ me__ that__ he __recognized__ one __of __the__ demons,__a__ young__ Major__ who__ was__ thought__ to__ be __a__ deserter.__Only__ he__ was__ no__ longer __human.__He__ had __become __one__ of__ them,__they __had__ infected__ him__ with__ their__ evil__ madness.__''_

Without thinking about it, I reached out and gripped Jasper's hand. He squeezed it tightly in return, but forced his face to remain blank and calm. I could see, though, the obvious distress there. Clearly, whoever this Colonel was, he had witnessed the unpredictable newborn army created by Maria with Jasper's help. And it appeared that someone had also seen Jasper, at his most dangerous.

''Thank you, Miz Cooper,'' he managed. ''That was…fascinating. I'd love to hear more soon, but Bella and I have to be going now, I'm afraid. Please call me if you come across anything else.''

Ms. Cooper closed the book and carefully returned it to its wrapping. ''Of course I will! As a matter of fact, I have a friend who has a newly acquired collection of photographs, taken around the same time as this diary. You'll be the very first to know if I get them.'' She stood up and shook my hand. ''So good to meet you, Isabella. You be good to my Jasper, now. And Mr. Jasper, you just stop by and see me whenever you want. You too, Bella.''

I smiled at her and waved goodbye as we walked out. Jasper seemed to walk very quickly, clutching my hand and not slowing until we were about five minutes down the road. Once we reached the woods, he stopped, and sat down on a rock. I sat down next to him, and he wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder almost wearily. He still didn't say anything. He didn't have to. I held him like that for what seemed like forever, stroking his face, his scarred arms. Finally, I spoke. ''Jasper, I know that it bothered you to hear that. But it's in the past. Way, far back in the past. And even if other people read that diary, even if they put it in a _museum_, or something, nobody is ever going to believe what he was saying. Remember what Molly Cooper said, everyone thought that guy was a crazy drunk anyway. Nobody is ever going to know what really happened.''

Jasper sighed and raised his head off my shoulder, turning to look at me. ''I know that, Bella,'' he said. ''But…I guess the thing that really bothered me was that _I_ would know. Yeah, I mean, history might write Colonel Shane off as being completely _loco_, but I will have to know forever that he really was telling the truth. Everything he said was correct and accurate. But nobody will ever believe it. And yet here I sit,'' Jasper laughed mirthlessly, and pushed his long hair out of his eyes. ''As real as can be.''

''Well, I for one am pretty glad that you're real,'' I told him. ''And it doesn't matter what you did back then, everyone makes bad choices, and everyone gets misled. You changed, you learned a better way. ''

I got up off of the rock, and held out my hand. ''C'mon. Let's get back.''

Jasper stood and slipped his fingers through mine. We walked silently, but my still-heightened emotional radar could feel what he did. It comforted me. Because, while I could feel his still-apparent sorrow about what had been written in the diary and happened all those years before with Maria, I also felt strength. Determination. And something else, threaded through it all, when he would pause every now and again to look at me. The hot, bittersweet edge of desire but also, something that I recognized very well. Something like love.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Much love and thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! Here is a new chapter for you :)**

''Somethin's up,'' Jasper murmured to me as we returned to the Cullen's house that evening. He seemed briefly startled by some kind of new emotional electricity that he could sense in the air. ''Can you feel it?''

I nodded. It was true. There was a palpable aura of tension hanging over the house, possibly also…anger.

Drawing in a quick, sharp breath, I turned to Jasper. ''Is it Edward?'' I asked, an acute wave of anxiousness gripping my stomach like a vise. The happy feelings of excitement from earlier were blotted out by this new, unpleasant sensation.

''It might be,'' he replied, jaw set in a rigid line. ''Don't let him get to you. Your empathic abilities are getting stronger, I can tell, and it'll be difficult at first to be objective.'' Jasper slipped his hand through mine and together we slowly walked inside.

''If you start to get overwhelmed,'' he whispered softly as we walked, ''Try to create a distance between yourself and his emotion. Push it away from you.''

I didn't get a chance to ask what he meant, because I was bombarded with an intense burst of fear. The fear was thick and cold, like a dark cloud. Carlisle was standing by the window, Esme at his side. Once again, surprisingly, I didn't see Edward anywhere, yet. Alice was perched on the arm of the sofa, wearing an unusually troubled, pensive expression. But there was someone else there, too. He'd been out of my line of vision at first, but then my gaze was drawn to him, where he stood in the doorway. ''Jacob!'' I squeaked out, startled.

''Hey, Bells.'' He attempted a smile, but was struggling. Everyone here was clearly upset, but about what? I could only feel their emotions, swirling together collectively in that same dark cloud. There was nothing clear, no real rhyme or reason to it, just wave after crashing wave of fear and concern.

''What's going on?'' I asked, blinking, trying desperately to clear my head. ''What's wrong?''

Jasper set his hands on my shoulders firmly, trying to keep me centered and steady, but I could tell he was just almost as nervous as I was.

Alice spoke up. ''I had a vision, Bella. You and Jasper need to leave Forks before the end of the week. Tomorrow, even, would be best. I can't tell you why, but you need to trust me.''

I sucked in a deep breath, fighting the dizziness that was starting, seeming to bubble up almost from the bottoms of my feet. Jasper's fingers gripped my shoulders even more tightly. I could feel that he was trying to force me to be calm, but all of his efforts were no match for this. I closed my eyes, and concentrating on trying to push the energy back, but I couldn't tell now which part of it was coming from me.

Now Alice addressed Jasper directly. ''Jas, you need to take Bella someplace safe. The further east, the better. Try to meet up with the nomads. You'll find Garrett in Boston. Kate and most of the Denali Coven will join you there. Remember what I told you about opposites?''

Jasper nodded, seeming to understand this cryptic final statement. ''I remember.''

''I'll try to stay in contact. Do not come back until you hear word from me,'' Alice continued. ''And never reveal any exact location. There will be more than one looking for you. ''

Carlisle cleared his throat. ''Alice, please also tell Jasper and Bella about…the other detail.'' Esme rested her hand on his shoulder. She looked at me with such love and sadness that tears threatened to begin in the corners of my eyes.

Nodding almost to herself, Alice thought for a moment, perhaps considering the best way to phrase what she needed to say. ''There is also one other very important thing,'' she explained slowly. ''Bella cannot, under any circumstances, return to Forks while she's still human. She will need to be changed as soon as you reach the first safe place. We had hoped that there would be more time, but there isn't. Jasper, you _can_ do this. Bella,'' Alice put her arms around me, ''I love you like my sister. And hopefully very soon, we can all be together again, but you have to be strong. ''

I accepted Alice's embrace, though the confusion screaming through me was almost too much to stand.

''But…where is Edward?'' I demanded. ''You can't mean to tell me that you've been able to keep him out of the loop for this long. Why haven't I seen Emmett and Rosalie virtually at all? And Jacob—not that I'm unhappy to see you, but what the hell are you doing here?''

Jacob, who had not said a word since 'hello', spoke up from where he still loomed in the doorway. ''I'm here for extra protection,'' he explained in clipped tones. A slight look of disgust crossed his features as he continued. ''You know how I feel about all of this, Bella. You know that beyond anything, I hate the thought of you becoming one of them. But,'' he said, casting his eyes around the room at the Cullens, ''I do care about you, and I do need to help keep you safe, even if I might never agree with what that entails, exactly. I'm going to be your cover. Once you and…'' he narrowed his dark eyes at Jasper, ''… _this__ one_ leave, I'll follow you as far as I can to make sure that you can't be traced. Then the rest of the pack and I will guard Charlie, too. Don't worry, nothing will happen to him.

''The thought of losing you like this makes me sick, Bella, but…'' Jacob swallowed hard and glanced at Alice, who nodded gently, ''it's better than…'' he broke off, and looked the other way, leaving the sentence unfinished.

To answer my other questions, Esme stepped in. My kind vampire mother looked deeply shaken, but also resolute and loving. ''Sweet Bella,'' she said, ''I can't imagine how confused and scared you must feel right now. Things will be much clearer later on. You need to trust Jasper. And trust _yourself_, above all. You have wonderful talents that you can't even begin to understand. When we see you again, you will have a brand new life with us. And this course of action now is the best way to ensure that nobody takes the chance for that life away from you. To ensure that nothing, and _no__ one_will take you from us. Alice faked a vision to keep Edward, Rosalie and Emmett running in circles, just enough to buy you and Jasper time to leave. She sent them to Seattle with a false report of sightings of immortal children. Keeps feeding them conflicting information, but they'll become suspicious soon enough. I'd just as soon not have kept poor Emmett in the dark about this, but Rosalie…''

Esme let her head drop a little, and she spoke more softly, then. ''Rosalie seems to have much the same disdain for her immortal life as Edward. Emmett keeps her calm, offers her some balance. If anything would happen to him, I hate to think what course of action she might take. So at the moment, until you and Jasper are safely far enough away, and though I hate this deception, the three of them must know as little as possible.''

My head seemed to be buzzing with the onslaught of all this new information. All of the strength suddenly left my body, and I leaned back heavily against Jasper for support. He gripped me, firmly and protectively. I took comfort in his embrace, trying to will the pounding in my ears to stop.

''I know what I have to do,'' he spoke thickly. ''I will keep Bella safe, I swear. We'll leave tomorrow. I don't want to take any chances. ''

Esme nodded sadly, then moved closer and threw her arms around the both of us. ''I wish this could be easier,'' she whispered. ''I love you both so much.'' Then, with great reluctance, she let Jasper and I go, out of her safe embrace.

In the doorway, Jacob looked away, hiding his face. For an instant, I thought I detected a sheen of tears in his eyes.

''Just one more thing,'' Jasper asked, ''Alice, you said that Bella and I are supposed to meet up with Garrett and _most_ of the Denali coven. Where are the rest?''

I had not sensed it until now, but, almost like a slight tremor, I could feel the other person in our presence before she even entered the room. Finally revealing herself, a stunningly lovely vampire joined the discussion, moving with sleek grace.

''I was told that I could be of help to our friends here,'' she spoke delicately.

''Well,'' Jasper said, ''I see. Hello, Tanya.''


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Since there's been so much drama going on in this story, I thought that Bella and Jasper needed some quiet time together. ;) Thanks again to all my reviewers, and I hope you guys enjoy this!**

I was so exhausted that I didn't feel like I could move my body. My mind, however, was going into frantic overdrive. I lay on my bed, Jasper beside me. It occurred to me that this was probably going to be the last time I ever saw this room with human eyes, if ever again. Jas and I were alone in the house, Charlie had gone out to a movie with Sue Clearwater. I smiled to myself at the thought. I was glad that he had a friend, it meant that he hopefully wouldn't worry too much after I was gone. Jacob was going to help with the ''alibi,'' that Alice had quickly prepared ahead of time. As far as Charlie knew, she and I were going to be taking a trip to Montreal, to visit her friends who were studying at a university there. She'd even pulled together brochures, fake plane tickets, a little French phrase book, the works. That was Alice. Always prepared. Maybe she'd been a Girl Scout in her old life.

Jake had been great, lying to Charlie through his teeth about how much I'd talked about this trip, how excited I was, how I was even speaking bad French nonstop. Honestly, I think Charlie was just so relieved to not be seeing Edward around so often that he didn't really think too hard about it.

''Well, you know Bells, I actually think that this would be a nice experience for you,'' he'd said, nodding while popping open a can of beer. ''It'll give you a nice break before college, give you a chance to have a little fun, see more of the world.''

I thought to myself how true this was. I certainly was going to be getting perhaps more experience in a short time than even I had anticipated.

Jasper ran his hand lightly down the side of my cheek, brushing back my hair. ''You're thinking waaay too much now, darlin.' You're tired beyond belief, and you need to save your strength.''

''It was just so…so much, back there at the house,'' I admitted. ''I mean, _hearing_ all of that was hard enough, but I could feel everything, too. And it was also really _confusing_. I didn't know which emotions were coming from _me_, and which ones belonged to everyone else. It was just one big, giant, jumbled wave. It made me dizzy.''

Jasper nodded. ''It's always like that at first. Slowly once you learn to center, and get more control, you'll be able to see more clearly which feelings each person specifically is giving off. And then, after awhile, with even more practice, I think that you will probably be able to eventually influence those other people's emotions, like me. The hard part is learning and accepting your own feelings first. Then you'll be able to more easily distinguish between you and everyone else.''

I bit my lip, contemplating this. ''I think I still might need a little help.''

Jasper leaned down and closed his lips over mine. I put my arms around him, pulling his cold body closer to mine. The kiss deepened, and a slow burn began inside me. I wound my fingers through his long hair, then almost automatically moved to undo the buttons on his shirt. Jasper groaned lightly, then slowly slid his hand under my shirt. The cold feel of him against my warm skin should have been uncomfortable, but I loved it. I wanted more….but…for some strange reason, I hesitated, suddenly wary. Jasper sensed this, and though I could tell it was difficult for him, he withdrew his hand, moved back, and asked ''Bella, darlin' what's the matter?'' He looked more confused than anything else. ''Did I hurt you, somehow? It felt like…well, I thought you were enjoying that.''

''I was! I was enjoying it!'' I protested, ''_very_ _much_, in fact.'' I blushed. ''It's just that well…it's not…I'm…''I covered my face with my hands. ''This was always the part where Edward would stop me. And even though I wanted more than anything to keep going…well, now that I actually have the chance, I'm a little nervous.''

Jasper began to laugh. It made me want to smack him. ''Jasper, this isn't funny!'' I cried, exasperated. ''It's a _problem_, it's like I've developed a mental block or a complex or something.''

Jasper stopped laughing, but he was still smiling as he reached back over and grabbed my hand. Running his fingers over my knuckles soothingly, he gently said, ''Darlin', you don't have a complex. You do, however, suffer from a tendency to compulsively overthink everything. I am not Edward. Just because he never let you get that close doesn't mean I won't. He was…well, from what I understand of his old life, I don't think he really had much, well let's say, _experience_ with this sort of thing. And naturally, he certainly didn't have much after he was changed, either. I think that he was probably more afraid of this than you were. ''

My face burned as I considered all of this. It made sense, now. When Edward would push me away over and over again, he did it because he _really_ didn't know what to expect next. He'd never been with a girl physically before. Whereas Jasper obviously had. Oh.

''It really is easier when the other person…knows what they're doing,'' Jasper added, lifting my hand to his lips and pressing a kiss there.

''I feel embarrassed,'' I muttered, looking away, my skin still flushed and burning.

''Hey, now, look at me, sweetheart,'' he ordered kindly. I forced myself to turn back towards Jasper, to really take in his beautiful face, the deep undertow in his eyes. _The__ sky,__the __wind,__the __sun,__ground__ that __ran __on __and __on __forever__…_

''There's nothin' to be embarrassed about,'' he continued. ''And you don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. And it certainly doesn't all have to be tonight. In fact, Bella, with…certain acts…there _is_ too much risk involved while you're still human. There are things that we can't do until after you've changed, for your sake.''

''So you _are_ afraid that you'll hurt me.'' I glared at Jasper. ''After that whole speech, when it comes down to it, you're like Edward all over again, not wanting to damage the fragile little human.''

Jasper growled in frustration. ''No, I don't think that you're _fragile_, and I don't think that I'm going to fly off the handle and accidentally break you apart. What I _am_ afraid of is…well, it's more of a legend, really, but…there have been stories about human women mating with vampires, or some similar otherworldly creature. And then these human women discover that they are pregnant. But the child they carry is unnatural, and strong. Their bodies can't support the creature, and they die. In agony. Of course,'' he added, ''there's never been any real _proof_, but the stories alone are enough to make me wait until I am absolutely certain that this could never, ever happen to you. Until you've been changed.''

I shivered a little at Jasper's explanation. Edward had never mentioned any of this to me. I wasn't even sure if Edward had _known_ about the potential danger. But at least now, I understood a little bit more.

''I…yeah, I can respect that. Maybe it will be better to wait.'' I sighed.

''Don't look so distressed,'' Jasper insisted. ''That's just one part of love, it doesn't mean you and I can't still…enjoy each other's company, if you want'' He smirked at me a little, the corners of his mouth turning up in a positively wicked smile.

There came those butterflies again, going wild in my stomach. ''Er…yeah, I want…'' I stammered a little and Jasper laughed. I cleared my throat. ''What did you have in mind?''

''Well, there's a couple of things.'' Jasper eased over me, kissing my lips briefly before sliding slowly down my body, ''Things that I'm sure Edward has never considered.'' He paused and looked up at me, eyes dark and wild, ''and I promise you, Miz Swan, that when we're through, you won't be _able_ to think.''

I shuddered lightly and nodded, surrendering myself over to him, hoping that he would keep his promise.

He did.

I lay bathed in sweat, my body still trembling after it was over. I _wasn__'__t_ able to think coherently, and that, I realized, was a wonderful relief. But I had _felt_. And, I decided, I _liked_ feeling. Quite a lot, actually.

Jasper's head was resting against my leg, and I reached down and tugged on a strand of his hair. ''Hey Major,'' I asked, and he looked up at me, grinning lazily. ''Yes, Ma'am?'' he drawled.

''Was that part of your Confederate Army training?''

Jasper just laughed again.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, I packed haphazardly, flinging random clothes and books into a duffel bag. Alice and Jasper were going to be picking me up in just under an hour. My skin grew warm when I thought of what Jasper and I had done last night. Nope, Edward and I had never gotten that close. And I didn't just mean physically, either. Edward, for all his supposed profound and deep love for me, certainly kept me in the dark about a lot of things. I shrugged absent-mindedly as I scanned my bedroom for things I might have missed. Jasper and I, it seemed, had grown _emotionally_ close. Whatever weird powers he seemed to have awakened in me, they were getting stronger. And as he had said, I was going to have to learn to control this newfound, rampaging empathy.

I was getting used to certain aspects of it. The weird waves of random memory and emotion were starting to become less frequent. But those, for the most part, belonged just to me. They were my memories, and my feelings, only amplified. They helped me get used to tuning in to everything else. Which was where the hard part came. Because once this ability had awakened, it kept evolving, and I couldn't turn it off. I could only trust that Jasper knew exactly what he was talking about, and would be able to teach me how to live with this thing, and to use it constructively.

I flinched involuntarily as a book on the shelf caught my eye. _Romeo __and __Juliet_. Ha. I had once thought that Edward and I were so similar to those two ill-fated characters. I walked over to the shelf and pulled the book off. I turned it over in my hands, examining the worn dust jacket and thinking about when Edward had left me, when I thought he was gone for good. For months and months I thought that my heart would one day simply stop beating from the pain of that abandonment. Now, it was the other way around, and I was going to leave Edward. What would he do then? Would he come looking for me, try to prevent Jasper from turning me? Was my humanity worth that much to him?

Earlier the previous evening, Tanya had seemingly materialized out of nowhere, saying that she was needed. Carlisle explained that she was there to keep Edward distracted, and try to reason with him once he learned what had been going on. I had the idea that there was something more to this, but it wasn't elaborated upon. From what I gathered, Tanya had always been rather attracted to Edward, but obviously he didn't feel the same way. She was a vampire. He was, on some level, repulsed by her.

Maybe, though, after enough time he would come around. I had to trust what I had been told, that leaving was the best thing for him; for both of us. I obviously didn't have the foresight to see exactly how all of these random pieces fit together and why this was the only logical course of action, but I had no reason to doubt that it was.

My eyes flashed to the clock on my desk and I snapped into action, realizing that I had let my mind wander and Jasper and Alice would be here soon. As if by conjured by magic, then, there was a knock on my door. ''Ugh, Jasper I _told_ you that she wouldn't be ready.'' Alice clucked her tongue and shook her head at me admonishingly. ''I _knew_ I should have packed for you, Bella.'' She bounced into the room and proceeded to inspect my choices. ''Oh dear, no, this isn't going to work at all.'' Alice frowned and began yanking items of clothing out of my bags and tossing them aside like confetti. '

''Hey, I happen to like that shirt,'' I said, picking it up off the floor and re-folding it.

Alice made a face. Clearly, when it came to anything involving clothes, she despaired of me.

''I despair of you,'' she said, but she was smiling. ''Ok, if you feel that strongly about the shirt you can put it back. I'll have to look the other way.''

She did, making a big show of hiding her eyes as I repacked the striped v-neck top that Alice had found so offensive, then zipped the bag closed before anything else could be violently discarded.

''All right,'' she said, rolling her eyes. ''I suppose it'll have to do. Come on, Jasper is waiting downstairs.''

I nodded and picked up the duffel bag, following her out of the room. I turned around once, giving one last look. As I stood there in the doorway, lingering for a moment, I seemed to feel and see all of the memories that had taken place there. The strongest feelings yelled louder than the rest and almost looked alive with swirling, muted colors. The nights that I lay in bed and cried, or screamed myself asleep out of a nightmare, the time I'd spent lying with Edward, his cold body hesitant next to mine. The more recent, wonderful moments that I had shared with Jasper. They were all still there, these moments and feelings, hanging in the air as if time simply didn't exist and these traces of energy were moving together, all repeating themselves at the same time. _Those__ are__ mine_, I thought to myself, and I decided that they belonged there, as they were. I turned back around, pulling the door closed tightly behind me.

The plan was, we would briefly go back to the Cullen's house to pick up a few more things and then Jasper and I would leave together. I wasn't exactly sure how we would be traveling, these were details that Alice knew and had apparently discussed with Jasper. I would find out later. Charlie was at work, and I was supposed to call him that night. He thought that I was going to be spending the day with Alice and sleeping over before flying to Montreal the next day. My stomach squirmed a little when I thought about my dad, how I would most likely never see him again, at least not for a very long time. But a larger part of me was excited. I was going to get exactly what I had wanted, only in an unexpected way.

I thumped down the staircase, dragging my duffel bag behind me. _Thud,__thud,__thud_. Alice was waiting at the bottom , shaking her head at Jasper, who stood beside her. ''One day, she'll actually be _graceful,_ if you can believe that,'' she told him. ''But not in this life. Bella, give me your bag. If you hadn't packed quite so many books, you wouldn't need to drag it like that.''

I obliged, passing the suitcase to Alice, who picked it up and slung it over her shoulder as if it weighed nothing. She headed out the door before we did, leaving Jasper and I alone for a second before we followed her. He looked at me, searchingly.

''What?'' I asked, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. Jasper glanced up the staircase that I'd just descended. ''Did you get everything you needed?'' he inquired, eyes still staring towards the second floor. ''Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure,'' I replied. ''All of the stuff that Alice would let me take, anyway.''

The corners of Jasper's mouth turned up slightly in a smile. He was still looking up the stairs while he asked curiously, ''how did you do that?''

''Do what?'' I asked, confused. He seemed almost amazed by something.

''When you were in your room, before you closed the door. The emotions and memory there actually materialized for a moment. You pushed them outside of you and sealed them inside that room.''

''I didn't know I _pushed _them anywhere,'' I explained. ''I thought that they were all already there, swirling around, but I just hadn't noticed until my senses went all hyperactive. I thought I just sort of, you know, left them where they were.''

Jasper shook his head. ''No, they weren't all there, at least not the way that you saw them, and definitely not all at once. You…created a palpable, almost corporeal energy force.''

''Guys!'' Alice called insistently out the rolled down car window, ''I'm sure you will have plenty of time to discuss this later, but right now we have some more pressing matters to attend to.''

I ignored her for a second, lowering my voice slightly and asking Jasper, ''I mean, isn't that like, normal? Can't you do that too?'

Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, studying my face intently before responding, ''No, not like that.''

He glanced out the open front door at the driveway. Alice beeped the car horn twice. ''We can talk about this after,'' he said, taking my hand. ''Right now, we have to go before she has a fit.''

When we arrived at the house, it was empty. ''Where is everyone?'' I wondered aloud. I had hoped that I would be able to say goodbye. For now, at least.

''Out,'' Alice explained. ''Carlisle's been trying to get into contact with some other vampires, specifically one from an Amazon coven. Esme and Tanya are helping him.''

''Why does he need to find these other vampires?'' I asked.

She shrugged dismissively. ''It's not really important. I think he just wants to ask them some questions about their abilities.'' There was something, obviously, that Alice wasn't telling me, but with everything else going on, I didn't push the subject.

''Now,'' Alice said briskly, very businesslike, ''I have something important for you, Bella.'' She walked over to the desk in the corner, opened the drawer and pulled out a large manila envelope, which she then handed to me.

''Open it,'' she said, motioning for me to go ahead.

I did so, and removed its contents. Inside were birth certificates, photo IDs, passports and various other very official-looking documents. I held up one of the IDs. It had my picture on it, but the name was different. It matched the name on one of the passports and birth certificates, but there were at least two other completed sets of formal identification, with my picture and different names.

''Better to be safe than sorry,'' said Alice. ''Use the one set of documents most of the time, but after awhile, you can use the others if you feel like you might be getting too conspicuous. Jasper has his, too.''

I squinted at my face on the ID next to this strange name. Maura Fleming. I didn't think I looked like a Maura, but oh well. ''These look so _real_,'' I breathed to Alice. ''Where did you get them?''

''Jasper has an acquaintance who specializes in this sort of thing. His name is Jenks. He's helped us before,'' Alice explained. ''Nobody will ever be able to tell that those aren't official. Jenks does good work.''

I returned most of the documents to the envelope, which I then stuffed safely into my bag. I slid the one ID into my wallet, and then placed it, along with the passport, into my purse. I guess I would have to get used to ''Maura.''

''Jasper has your plane tickets,'' continued Alice. ''You're both leaving on the red-eye flight out of Seattle tonight. He knows what to do and where to go after that. Don't worry,'' she added, smiling gently at me, ''There's nothing to worry about. You'll be safe this way.''

A question suddenly wormed its way into the forefront of my mind. ''Alice?'' I asked, ''What are you going to do…after we're gone, I mean? You're staying with Carlisle, right?''

A slight, faraway look glazed over Alice's eyes for a brief moment, and then she blinked, steadied herself, and nodded. ''I'm going to make sure that things work out,'' was her only reply.

Jasper walked into the room then, and Alice patted me on the shoulder. ''I've got a couple of things to do,'' she said, ''You two talk now. I'll be around if you need me.'' Then she turned and slipped away past Jasper and into the hall.

''So,'' I said to him, ''You were going to explain something before, back at my house. About how I created some kind of energy field.''

Jasper nodded. ''Yes, you did. I've never quite felt anything like it. In addition to the empathy, you seem to have also developed an ability to not only sense all kinds of emotion, but also to _see_ them. And not only that, but…I think that you can tie the different emotions to specific _memories,_ whether yours or someone else's. I want to try an experiment while we have time, if you don't mind,'' he said, eyes lighting up with curiosity. ''It might help us both figure out the nature of this…talent.''

I folded my arms across my chest. ''What kind of experiment?''

''One that's going to take us back to where this all started, so to speak,'' he said. ''We're going to listen to music.''


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Thanks again to all my wonderful reviewers! I know that there's a lot going on in this story, but I'm trying to reveal everything piece by piece. Song lyrics later in this chapter are from ''A Case of You,'' by Joni Mitchell. Please let me know what you think!**

* * *

><p>''Ok,'' Jasper began. We were once again standing in the elegantly furnished study upstairs, the place where he and I had listened to a record that first day, when I freaked out and went running out of the house after being overwhelmed.<p>

He pulled another record out of the neatly shelved collection. ''I'm going to put on a song, and I want you to let me know what, if anything, you see or feel when you hear it.''

I nodded, agreeing. Jasper set up the record, and I waited as the song began. I'd heard it before, once or twice. I think Renee had liked this band, but I didn't feel any particular way about the song. It wasn't that I disliked it, it just didn't hold any real meaning to me. I watched Jasper's neutral expression and got nothing. No choking, intense bursts of feeling and memory.

I shrugged lamely at him. ''I don't really get much,'' I admitted. Jasper cut the music, pulling the needle off of the record and returning it to its jacket. ''Neither did I,'' he said. ''This was sort of a test, to establish a base-line, if you will.''

Nodding, I braced myself and closed my eyes briefly. ''Ok, put another one on. Let's see what we get.''

Jasper grabbed a second record and slid it onto the player. The female singer's voice was familiar, but the song wasn't. It was sad and beautiful. I let it wash over me and then, suddenly, it came. The sudden wave of energy, alive with flashes and feelings so deep that they began to slice at me. My knees almost buckled and I sucked in a deep breath.

''Bella, it's ok, tell me what's going on!'' Jasper insisted, trying to ground me somehow. ''What do you see?''

_Jasper, decades before. At night, standing in an alley behind what looked like a restaurant, maybe a diner. He was watching two people, a man and a woman, but they didn't know he was there. They were too busy arguing with each other. There were tears running down the woman's face. She was short, with long dark hair, and looked a little bit, I thought, like me, only older and more tired. Jasper could feel a mix of emotion bubbling and seething around the couple like a volcano. The woman's feelings of sorrow and betrayal; the man's anger. ''Dumb bitch,'' the man swore at her, ''You're on your own, now.'' The woman tried to reach out, grab him, but he swung out and cracked her across the face, splitting her lip. He shoved her violently away from him, and she fell to the ground, crying. ''I don't want you anymore,'' the man spat, turning quickly and running, leaving the poor woman curled on the ground, sobbing and trying to wipe the blood from her face with the sleeve of her shirt. I felt the terrible conflict within Jasper, his sympathy for this injured woman warring with the diabolically intense thirst that burned within his throat for her blood. It smelled so wonderful that he grew nearly dizzy with desire. _

_Very slowly, he stepped out of the shadows and walked over to her. She heard the footsteps and turned around. Jasper tried to mask the predatory animal instinct that was quickly taking over him, forcing his voice and expression to maintain a veneer of compassionate concern. She thought he was a good Samaritan of sorts. He knelt down beside her, staring deep into her tearful brown eyes and willed her to be calm, as if injecting her with a needle of psychic Valium. For a brief instant, nothing was wrong in her world. She forgot about her abusive husband, about being abandoned, lying in the street. She could not begin to suspect or imagine the trap that she had fallen into. She had no way to predict that this kind, beautiful man with the hypnotic eyes would, in just a moment seem to change into a demon while she was powerless to react. ''Oh, that's interesting,'' was all she could think before he sank his teeth into her throat. As she felt her body nearly come apart with pain, a car drove by. The window was rolled down and the radio was blasting the same song._

_''Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine_

_You taste so bitter, and so sweet_

_Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling_

_And I would still be on my feet''_

_Her last conscious, addled thought, was that it had always been one of her favorites_.

''Oh, God, Jasper…that poor woman!'' I gasped, trying to will my heart to stop beating so frantically. ''She was hurt, and bleeding, lying in the alley. You didn't really want to hurt her, you felt sorry for her, but you couldn't control the hunger. It was burning,'' I clutched at my own throat in response, and for one brief, awful instant I could literally taste the sweetness of the woman's blood in my own mouth. ''So, you killed her. You could both hear this song; it was playing inside a car that was passing by. She heard it while she died.'' The song was still playing, now. And though it was fading, I could still taste the blood. I couldn't stand it. ''Turn it off, turn it off _NOW_!'' I shrieked. The music cut off and disappeared.

I sank to the floor, and wrapped my arms around myself. Jasper hurried over and knelt beside me, pulling me into his arms, a tortured expression on his face. ''I had no idea, Bella, I swear…I'm so sorry, sweetheart.''

He held me and rocked me and I leaned against his chest and sobbed and sobbed, like I was trying to cleanse myself of everything I had just experienced. ''W-why did I get all of that from one song? I was seeing your memories, but it was like I was _there_ and I could feel everything and…''

''And you must think the worst of me,'' Jasper added. He had a pained, sick expression on his face. ''You've….'' He broke off and held me even more tightly, pressing a kiss against the side of my face.

I drew in breath after breath, counting, forcing the last lingering ghosts of the vision to fade away, waited for the emotional pain to dull and evaporate. I clutched Jasper and whispered, ''I don't think the worst of you,'' I swallowed, my throat dry. ''I lo—'', I tried to form the words but my lips struggled. I tried again, ''Jasper I think…no, somehow I_ know_ that I love you. I can't help it. Just the way that you can't help what you are. You try, though. That's what counts.'' I shuddered, though, as an image of the woman's lifeless eyes flooded into my mind again, briefly, before disappearing.

''See, this is just one of the things that makes you extraordinary, Bella,'' Jasper said, his mouth set in a grim line. ''You really do understand and care about things that nobody should ever have to _did_ see into my memory. Somehow, when you heard that song, your empathic connection to me saw and felt everything in my mind that was tied to it. It was as though all of that energy stayed contained until a trigger set it loose. And somehow you were dragged into that memory of mine, and forced to re-live it. What's worse is, I was influencing that woman's emotions, to make her more docile, and so somehow through me you also may have linked to her for an instant. ''

Shaking his head miserably, Jasper added, ''You didn't deserve that, to see and feel all of the evil I've committed.'' He laughed bitterly. ''Edward thinks he knows what he's talking about, spouting off about damnation…he has no idea. He wouldn't even begin to understand what real damnation is. But now you do. And I'm so sorry.''

''I'm not damned,'' I murmured. The jolt of adrenaline caused by my empathic vision was now quickly wearing off and I was crashing into a kind of sleepy stupor. ''And neither are you. I think…whatever's happening to me, and to us, well…it's supposed to be like this. I'm not sure why, but somehow I just know.''

My eyelids were heavy now, slowly fluttering closed. ''It seems like there's nothin' I need to hide from you, sweet Bella,'' Jasper whispered into my hair. ''And I'm sure you already know this, but I love you, too. ''

I smiled. The shock and horror of the memory was quickly dissipating. Once it had passed through me, once I had processed it like a filter, the pain, the weight of it disappeared. But I did wonder about one thing, though I seemed to be falling asleep in Jasper's arms. ''Jasper, why did you pick that song? I mean, I know that you were testing this weird new…ability or whatever that I have but… somehow you must have known that there was a chance that I would see and feel what I did. Why did you want me to see that memory?''

Jasper ran his fingers through my hair, soothingly. ''Maybe because…because I wanted you to really understand what it means to be one of us. The uncontrollable hunger. Maybe in some way I was testing more than your abilities. I think I wanted to be sure that you saw every part of who I am and who I've been. And then I'd know for sure if…if you could stand it. If you could really love me. And,'' he continued, voice growing softer, ''if you could forgive me. Absolve me, so to speak.''

His voice dropped again, and, so quietly that I barely heard him, he said ''I don't think I've ever hated myself quite as much as I did that night. Even before, with Maria…it was never like that. I'd never really felt so sickened by guilt. That woman, she was so sad. He hurt her somethin' awful, abandoned her. And part of me truly wanted to help her, to pick her up, dust her off and tell her that everything would be fine. But there's always that other part, the hungry part, the killer. And back then, I didn't have the self-control I do now. The killer won, every time.''

Jasper sighed, his voice tinged with the bitter, sharp edges of memory. ''She looked a lot like _you_ too, just older, more worn down. She's always haunted me; her eyes. The way she looked at me so hopefully and gratefully, trusting, even until the end. She never even screamed.''

I nodded, my eyes finally having fallen closed. For some reason, I reached out my hand, my fingers searching until they rested against the cold skin of Jasper's face. I felt him press a small kiss against my palm. With this silent gesture, he knew, I forgave him. And somehow, I felt a certainty that, whoever Jasper's weary, sorrowful victim was, through me she had forgiven him too.

I felt Jasper lift me into his arms and carry me out of the room and down the hall. He set me down on a bed, covered me with a blanket. ''You rest now, Bella. Save your strength. I'll wake you when it's time to go.''

''It feels like we've already left,'' I murmured softly, drifting completely into sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Here's another chapter for you guys! Finally got a day off from work, and some new inspiration. Enjoy!**

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><p><em>''But you and I, we've been through that<em>

_And this is not our fate_

_So let us not talk falsely now_

_The hour is getting late''_

-Bob Dylan, ''All Along the Watchtower''

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><p>''She's an empath, Carlisle, but it's more than that. Her empathy borders on clairvoyance, and occasional post-cognition. She can absorb the energies of a memory, and then push them outside of herself, almost making them tangible and able to be controlled''<p>

Jasper was talking. As my consciousness swam back up out of the deep slumber that had overtaken me, I could hear him, and though I was not awake enough to really process what he was saying, the soft Southern drawl of his voice warmed me.

''…No, it's not the same thing. I can feel and influence emotion, but only _while _the emotion is occurring…Yes, she can too but she seems to draw more from strong _past_ emotion, especially when triggered by something…usually music…alright, yes…Carlisle, I have to go. She's waking up.''

He walked into the room just as I was opening my eyes. ''Carlisle says hello,''

I stretched, blinked, and looked around the room. The sun was setting. It was one of those rare moments in Forks where the sun would break brilliantly through the clouds, at last revealing itself with a warm burst of light before it died and sank beneath the horizon. Jasper sat down on the best just as the sun briefly seemed to fill the sky with golden color. The sunlight struck across the planes of his face, sending a brief, beautiful shimmer washing over him before disappearing.

''It's almost time to go, Bella.''

I nodded, pushing back the blankets and yawning. Alice popped her little pixie head into the room. ''Well, hey now, Rip Van Bella is finally awake. Better hurry up and get changed; your ride will be here soon.''

''Our ride?'' I echoed, pushing back my sleep-tangled mess of hair, ''I thought that you were driving us to the airport, Alice.''

She shook her head. ''No, it's better if I don't actually see you leave. Jacob is going to take you. Don't worry—'' Alice put up her hands, ''I had a talk with him. He is _not_ going to pull the brooding werewolf act. I think he genuinely wants to help. Bella, there's some coffee in the kitchen; I thought you might need it. Jasper, a Ms. Cooper called for you. She said that she got those photographs in.'' Alice's eyes glazed over for a moment, and she stared straight ahead. The vision was quick, because half a second later, she blinked and asked, ''Jas, what's in that book? The book in her desk?''

Jasper sighed grimly and stood up. ''Bella, go grab some coffee, I need to talk to Alice for a minute.''

''Got it,'' I said, stretching, forcing myself to climb out of bed. I still felt a little foggy, as if I were waking up from anesthesia. Rummaging through my suitcase, I managed to find an outfit that even Alice wouldn't mind too much. I ran a brush through my hair and pulled it back into a ponytail, then wandered into the kitchen where, sure enough, there was a small pot of hot coffee sitting on the marble counter top. I sniffed the air. The aroma was wonderfully strong. I'd never been too much of a coffee drinker, but I really could use it tonight. As I pulled a mug down from the cabinet, I could hear Alice and Jasper's conversation as they approached.

''I know, Jasper, but I don't want to _steal_ from a _library_. That's terrible!'' Alice exclaimed.

''Alice,'' Jasper sounded exasperated, ''You shouldn't have a problem with this. You stole half of Audrey Hepburn's wardrobe from the set of _Breakfast__ at__ Tiffany__'__s._ ''

Alice muttered something unintelligible, but I think there was definitely some swearing. ''Alright _fine_,'' she relented, as they both entered the kitchen, ''I'll do it, but only because I know that it's the right thing. It's going to make me feel icky, though.'' Alice put her nose in the air and folded her arms, deliberately turning away from Jasper.

I couldn't help but smile. There were small pangs in my chest, though, as I watched their interaction, so sweet and natural. Again, I didn't want to feel like I was breaking something apart. But I was. We were. And whatever the reason hiding behind it all, one thing was certain: nothing was ever going to be the same.

I poured coffee into the mug, watching the beautiful, dark liquid washing against the sides, sliding down. It almost seemed to move in slow motion.

The rest of the night moved the same way; fluidly, slowly. Maybe time really had begun hesitating, or perhaps my mind just wanted to see it that way, to savor our last moments in Forks before I was forced to say goodbye, and confront the future. When it came time for Jasper and I to leave, Alice wrapped me in a warm hug. ''Don't be worried, Bella. It will all work out. I'm going to make certain that nothing happens to either of you.''

She gave me one last squeeze and then turned to Jasper. She didn't say anything, just rested her hand gently against his face. Jasper nodded at her, an unreadable look in his eyes. They stayed like that for a minute, and then Alice pulled her hand away, saying, ''Don't worry about the book, Jasper. Nobody is going to see it.'' I knew that she was talking about the Civil War diary, the one that had described attacks by newborn vampires. Did Jasper want Alice to take it, just in case? Was that what she meant, about not wanting to steal from a library? I made a mental note to ask Jasper about this, later, among other things. But we didn't have time then, because I could hear the rumblings of a car pulling into the drive. Jacob had arrived.

My werewolf friend said very little while driving us to the airport, as Alice had promised. She must have given him a very stern lecture, because there was no brooding or grumbling, only a kind of reserved quietness. The drive seemed surprisingly short. Jacob briskly hugged me goodbye, like he didn't want to hold on, didn't want to let the embrace linger too long. Then he nodded stiffly at Jasper before meeting my eyes again with a choked expression on his face. We turned away.

Jasper slid his hand through mine and I felt instantly calmer, as though I were being gently warmed from the inside out. Still, though I was more relaxed now, I was always prone to fidgeting while waiting for something, and today was no exception. As we waited in the terminal for our flight, I chewed my nails, swung my feet, then got up and wandered around to look at different things, buying bottles of water from vending machines and magazines with pictures of celebrities that I barely knew. I called Charlie and amplified my voice with false excitement about my supposed Montreal trip with Alice, promising that I would be safe and call him again soon. I hoped, at least, that the last part was true.

Finally, I wandered back and plunked down beside Jasper again. He was reading an exhausting-looking book about Tibetan myth and magic, but seemed to be enjoying it, or at least intrigued by the information it contained.

''Good book?" I asked him. Jasper looked up. ''It's pretty fascinating,'' he admitted, then added, ''There's one very, very interesting belief that I'd like to research more.''

I raised an eyebrow at him. ''What kind of belief?''

He closed the book for a moment, then said ''Well, there is the idea that if a person could be dedicated enough to focus their energies, they could actually will a thought into physical form, human or otherwise. Literally bring it to life.''

I nodded slowly, contemplating this. ''Well, what happens then? Like, theoretically, what would happen after they created the thing?''

''It's called a Tulpa, and I guess it depends. On the purpose behind creating it, and the creator. See, the being is created out of the person's thought, or will. They give the Tulpa life, thereby giving it the strength to actually exist outside of the creator's mind. There seems to be trouble, though, usually.''

''What kind of trouble?'' I asked, actually shivering a little, though I wasn't entirely sure why.

''Well,'' explained Jasper, looking a little hesitant, ''because it's easy enough to control an idea, or a feeling or a thought, I suppose, when it's safely contained within the boundaries of the mind. But it's entirely another thing to actually create a separate physical entity out of those thoughts. The Tulpa can develop a will of its own once it's created, and sometimes, not even the person who created it is able to control it. And…occasionally, the Tulpa could become…well, slightly sinister. Or even evil at times.''

I shivered again, weird cold pangs of inexplicable fear raising goosebumps all over my skin. ''But, I mean, it's just a legend, right?'' I asked, pulling my hoodie more tightly around myself.

Jasper stared at me, a kind of sardonic, troubled smile playing around his face. He shook his head. ''I'm just a legend too, remember?''

**To be continued...**


	12. Chapter 12

I tried to relax on the plane, but there were so many things still pressing on my mind. I tried to read a little of one of the books I had brought with me, _Life_ by Keith Richards, but not even the drug-fueled escapades of the Rolling Stones could keep me interested.

''What's up, Miz Swan?'' Jasper asked, without even looking up from the page he was reading, ''you're obviously twitchin' about something.''

I sighed. ''Where are we going from here? Alice said that you would know.''

''We're going to land in Chicago and spend the night in a hotel. Then tomorrow, we're going to meet up with an acquaintance of Carlisle's, and from there head further east, to Boston.'' Jasper explained this all very calmly, then turned a page in his monstrously large book on Tibetan myths.

''Why are all these other vampires getting involved? Why is the Denali coven so apparently invested in our well-being? And what do any 'nomad' vampires care, either?'' I hated being given so little information, but at the same time, I could tell that Jasper hadn't been told the whole story, either, though he knew slightly more than I did. I could feel the slight twinges of frustration emanating from him.

He set the book down. ''Bella, I only know that I trust Carlisle and Alice, and you do, too. I trust that whatever information they may be keeping from us, they're doing it for a good reason. They've told us what we need to know right now, and we're just going to have to follow their lead.'' Jasper paused a moment, before smiling wryly. ''You know, I don't really care if I don't have all of the details. At least I have you. Does it really matter, the big reasons why we're doing this, why we…became something else, something more?''

Oh. I felt bad for suddenly being so suspicious. Jasper was right; regardless of what was happening around us, this larger plot which we'd found ourselves in the middle of, we were together. I could feel comfortable having Jasper beside me, and enjoying his presence.

''I'm sorry, Jas,'' I admitted, leaning back against the seat. ''I'll try to stop thinking so much.''

He winked at me. ''That would be a good idea,'' he agreed, ''at least until you know for sure what you're even really thinking about. Just let it go until we learn more. And until we know otherwise, Bella, you and I are on vacation. Let's say that.''

I nodded. ''Ok. Vacation.'' I tried to focus on something else, to calm my mind, distract myself. ''So, what's the deal with these Tulpa things?'' I asked, gesturing towards Jasper's book. ''Why are you so interested in them?''

Jasper thought for a moment, trying to choose the right words. ''I think I'm interested because of the gifts that I have, but more so because of the abilities that you seem to display, which, frankly, would be amazing even for an immortal. I can influence emotions, but not in the way that you can. You can literally almost turn concentrated emotional energy into something tangible, unconsciously. I suppose that…well, I wonder if there isn't some merit to what these legends say. Maybe if an emotionally charged thought, memory, or desire is strong enough, it can actually create a physical being. I just worry that…''

''You think I'm going to create a _thought__ monster_?'' I asked Jasper incredulously. ''Why the hell would I do something like that?''

''You wouldn't do it _consciously_, Bella,'' Jasper explained calmly. ''And I'm not saying with any certainty that you _could_ create a Tulpa, even if you wanted to, for some reason. I'm only saying that I've seen some incredible, unconscious displays of power from you that lead me to wonder if…''

''If my ability could run amok and I created a bunch of thought monsters without even realizing I was doing it,'' I finished for him. The thought made me shiver.

''I wasn't going to phrase it quite like that, but I suppose,'' Jasper agreed. His eyes probed mine gently. ''But it's nothing to worry about. Your abilities are an amazing gift, and I don't think that there's any real reason to be frightened of them. I was just struck by some of the similarities.''

''So get _un_-struck,'' I mumbled, slumping down in my seat.

''Quit your pouting, Missy,'' Jasper ordered with mock sternness. ''Let's not talk about this sort of thing anymore for right now.'' To emphasize his point, Jasper shoved the book into his carry-on bag, and closed it. ''Let's have an ordinary conversation. Tell me about _your_ book.''

I managed easily enough to force myself to forget about the Tulpas, at least temporarily. Jasper and I slid into comfortable conversation about music, film, and history. Places that we'd seen or, in my case, would like to see. ''Well, I hate to tell you this, Bella, but I don't think we're going to Rio anytime soon,'' Jasper said, feigning sadness. ''I'm afraid I don't tan well.''

I laughed. ''Don't worry about the sparkling. We can just pretend that you went overboard on the body glitter. It _was_ very trendy for awhile. Maybe we can bring it back into style.''

Jasper shuddered. ''I'd rather not. Having gone through both the Seventies _and_ the Eighties, I can say with certainty that some fashion trends should not be resurrected. ''

''Well, how about Paris, then?'' I asked him. ''Or England. I hear it's very overcast there most of the time.''

''Next trip we take that is not based on any kind of vision or prophecy, when we actually get to pick the destination, I promise that I will take you to every beautiful, overcast place on earth,'' Jasper agreed, smiling.

The rest of the plane ride seemed to pass quickly. I was surprised when it was announced that we were landing. Once we'd gotten off of the flight and retrieved our bags, I expected that maybe we'd take a cab to whatever hotel we were staying in. Instead, there was a beautiful, chauffer driven car waiting for us. I managed to glimpse something, as our bags were deposited in the trunk by the very stoic, quiet driver. ''Jasper,'' I whispered, as quietly as I could once we were buckled up and I was sure that the driver couldn't hear us through the soundproof glass partition, ''this car has diplomatic plates on it.''

''That's because as far as this driver is concerned, I'm an ambassador. People tend to leave you alone and not ask you too many nosy, trivial questions when you can pay them to be silent,'' he whispered back.

''You're an _ambassador_, that's rich,'' I teased. ''What am I supposed to be?''

''That's one of the questions they're paid to _not __ask_,'' explained Jasper, smiling. I punched him lightly in the arm.

Jasper wasn't kidding. Everyone at the hotel was instantly accommodating, but gave us an almost fearful respect for privacy. And the room was really an enormous suite, decorated in beautiful shades of forest greens and browns. Once I'd gotten over the shock of how pretty everything was, I flopped down onto the luxurious, king size bed and stretched, trying to loosen the knots that had developed in my muscles from sitting still for so long.

''Are you hungry?'' Jasper asked, sitting down beside me. ''I can order some food.''

I shook my head. ''Nah, not right now. I'm just…trying to take it all in. I think I'm gonna rest for awhile, if you don't mind.''

''Not at all,'' he replied, ''but only if you let me rest with you.''

In answer, I reached for Jasper, and pulled him down beside me. I situated myself comfortably in his cold arms, and soon fell into another deep sleep.

_The dream was strange. What looked like very old pieces of parchment with unfamiliar writing on them kept flashing in front of my eyes, too quickly for me to see them clearly. Then the images changed, swirling as they revealed themselves. In a strange, chamber-like room, I saw Rosalie. She seemed to be looking for something. Whatever it was, it was important. She searched frantically, almost angrily. She was interrupted, however. The door opened and an eerie, cold young voice spoke. Jane. ''Please bring this traitor to Aro,'' she said, and two other robed vampires entered, grabbing Rosalie firmly by the arms. She screamed and snarled, trying to fight them off, but they held her firmly. ''If she is this desperate, we will see if perhaps we can give her…exactly what she is looking for.'' Jane's chilling smile and blood-red eyes filled my vision, and then I woke_.

I stretched and blinked, trying to recall specific images from the dream, to extract a possible meaning from what I had seen, but already it was fading. I gave it up, and climbed out of bed. Throwing on a sweatshirt over my flimsy camisole, I wandered through the suite in search of Jasper. Breakfast was waiting for me on the long, elegant table; muffins and omelets, pancakes, toast. I licked my lips, realizing how hungry I now was. I heard the door open, and turned around. Jasper entered, followed by a tall, thin, nervous-looking vampire. This vampire twitched and gulped, taking in his surroundings with a kind of uneasy, roving gaze. He looked extremely uncomfortable. Jasper rolled his eyes at me. ''Bella,'' he called, motioning me over. I eyed the table full of food longingly, then walked over to greet our visitor.

''Miz Isabella Swan, meet Alistair, a very old friend of Carlisle's.''

Friend of Carlisle's or not, this Alistair looked like he didn't really want to be here; he looked, in fact, like he would rather not be _anywhere._ Still, he seemed to not want to forget his manners, and so he dutifully responded, ''Hello, Isabella.''

He spoke with a pronounced English accent, sounding very proper, yet very wary.

''Just Bella is fine,'' I told him, forcing a smile.

''We really should be on our way, soon,'' Alistair mumbled absently, almost to himself. ''I don't like to linger in cities for too long. Best to move quickly.''

''We'll be leaving soon enough, Alistair,'' Jasper told him patiently. ''Please sit down for now and try to…relax a little.''

The concept of relaxation seemed to be entirely alien to this odd, lanky vampire, but he sank wearily down onto the sofa.

''I'm sure Carlisle didn't mean for you to _panic_ about anything, Alistair,'' Jasper tried to reassure him, ''He just wanted you to accompany us to Boston.''

Alistair looked pained. ''Oh, I'm sure you feel that way,'' he said, ''but I don't normally like to become involved in things like this. I keep to myself, that's best. But…well, after I heard the things the little one said, I decided that perhaps I ought to give Carlisle my aid.''

''The little one?'' I echoed, confused.

''The _seer_, the one in Carlisle's coven,'' Alistair said, wringing his hands a little. ''Prophecy is a dangerous business.'' He looked ready to burst into tears.

''Well, regardless,'' interjected Jasper tiredly, ''we're happy and grateful that you've decided to come and meet us. Carlisle has a lot of faith in you, and in your ability.''

Alistair nodded grimly, then fixed his wary, nervous eyes on me. ''So this is the one that the seer talked about,'' he muttered, then threw his hands up. ''Prophecy is a dangerous business, indeed!'' he repeated, before getting up abruptly from the couch and beginning to pace the floor.

Jasper sighed loudly, as I watched Alistair's wild pacing with horrified fascination. This was going to be a very long day.

**A/N I decided to include Alistair in this story; he caught my interest in ''Breaking Dawn'' and I wished he'd been mentioned a little more. Please read and review; more coming soon!**


	13. Chapter 13

I learned, much to my chagrin, that the three of us would be driving the remainder of the way by ourselves in a rented car. Alistair was too suspicious and unpredictable to be trusted on an airplane, and after awhile, even our stoic, ask-no-questions chauffeur from the day before would begin to wonder just what the hell was going on with the so-called ambassador, the anonymous young woman, and now this bizarre Englishman.

I hoped fervently that Jasper would let me drive, at least part of the way, so that at least I could concentrate on something _practical._

After quickly eating a few pieces of toast and bites of omelet, I ducked away and went into the bathroom to take a shower and have a few minutes of peace away from Alistair's frightened sideways glances. I was sure that he was essentially harmless, but his fidgeting and nervousness added another thick layer of tension to this journey that I just didn't need.

I stripped off my clothes and stepped under the wondrous, hot spray of the shower, letting it soak and soothe my body. I wondered , as I shampooed my hair, if I'd enjoy showers just as much when I became a vampire. I was so lost in the moment that I didn't hear the door open, didn't realize that I wasn't alone until I whirled my head around and realized that Jasper had slid quietly into the shower with me. It was spacious, and could hold both of us comfortably, but that really wasn't my concern at the moment. My thoughts were suddenly occupied with the beautiful, wet, naked vampire who was now grinning wickedly at me. ''Oh, um…hey!'' was all that I could stammer as I reflexively wrapped my arms around myself in some clumsy attempt at modesty. Jasper grabbed my wrists and, shaking his head, gently pulled my hands away from my body, leaving me fully open to his gaze. I blushed furiously, and ducked my head.

Jasper chuckled. ''I had to escape from Alistair, too. Thought I might join you, since it seems like we won't have much quality time alone together til we reach Boston. Hey,'' he put a finger lightly under my chin and tipped my face up to look at him. ''No need to be shy.''

He looked so inviting and perfect, his amber eyes burning into mine with pure, unabashed desire, long hair plastered against his face and neck. And Jasper was right; this was probably going to be our only chance to spend time alone together for the next few days. I found myself melting, craving him like oxygen. It occurred to me suddenly that he was the first person to really see me completely naked. Edward had never allowed me to get that far.

''I'm sorry that I've seemed kinda stressed,'' I admitted. ''It's just been a lot of crazy adjustments all at once. I should just try to relax and go with the flow, like you said.'' I rolled my eyes. ''I think that Alistair is stressed out enough for all three of us; I don't want to add to the tension stew.''

Laughing, Jasper pulled me closer to him, resting his forehead against mine. ''Very soon,'' he drawled slowly, ''this is all going to be over, and Alistair can go back to England, or _Mars_, or wherever the hell he came from. I am going to make you one of us, and we are going to travel the world together. This thing with Edward and Rosalie and whatever bullshit prophecies everyone keeps moaning about—it's not going to matter. Because I am going to have _you_, Bella. We're going to have each other, and you are going to be so strong, so gifted, and so beautiful, even more than you already are.'' Jasper gently stroked my face, pushing my wet, straggly hair behind my shoulders and pressed his icy lips against mine. ''I just want to be with you,'' he whispered. ''That's what matters.''

I gave in to Jasper, kissing him back, dragging my fingers across his shoulders, running them over his back and then along the planes of his chest, exploring him. Playfully, I bit his lip. ''I thought that was _my_ job,'' he growled.

Later, quite more relaxed, I left a nice tip on the nightstand for the cleaning crew, then re-packed all of my things and made the bed. I've always made my own bed in hotels, I think that it's just out of habit. Then I glanced wistfully around the beautiful room, wishing that we could stay just a little while longer. _Long __enough __for __another __shower,__at __least_, I thought to myself, grinning a little. From across the room, Jasper caught my eye and I could tell that he was thinking the exact same thing.

Unfortunately, now we were _not_ alone. Alistair was apparently working his way through the mini bar; he was sitting on the floor in front of the ornate wooden coffee table, surrounded by tiny bottles, most of them empty. He was thumbing through one of my books, which was, ironically enough, _The Vampire Lestat_, by Anne Rice. Every few moments, he would read a line which caused him to yell out, ''truly _absurd_!'' or even ''blasphemous!'' Then he would sway from side to side and take another sip out of one of the bottles.

Jasper sighed. ''Why on earth did you bring _that_ book?'' he asked me.

I shrugged, sitting my suitcase down on the floor. ''I had no idea that real vampires felt so _strongly_ about fictional ones. If anything, Anne Rice did you guys a favor. You think Lestat ever _sparkled_ in the sunlight?''

''Well played.''

''Thanks, I know. But seriously, Jasper,'' I asked, looking at the wild-eyed Alistair as he continued to read and drink voraciously, ''he's going to be….well, can he even _get_ drunk?''

''He certainly seems to be trying,'' admitted Jasper. ''Though, I think it's more of a placebo effect, if anything.''

I cleared my throat, ''Ahem….Alistair?'' I called, trying to get his attention. Startled, his head snapped up from the book. ''Yes, Miss?''

''Um,'' I began, slowly moving closer to him, ''If you wouldn't mind, can I have my book back? I need to pack it.''

Reluctantly, Alistair shut the book and set it down on the table, sighing. ''Ghastly piece of work, anyhow,'' he said, blearily reaching for one of the now-empty bottles.

I walked over and picked it up. ''But if you don't mind,'' he continued, slurring a little, ''I should very much like to see how it ends….'' Alistair trailed off, examining the tiny bottle he was holding more closely. ''I'm afraid I've run out…'' he mournfully noted.

Thankfully, a few minutes later, someone rang the room and told Jasper that the car had arrived. Checking out went smoother than I expected; the ''placebo effect'' of the alcohol had calmed Alistair enough that he didn't twitch wildly being around so many humans at once. In fact, he seemed alarmingly comfortable as we traipsed through the lobby, exclaiming to one of the bellhops, ''I say, old chap, _lovely_ accommodations!''

After a round of rock-paper-scissors, I won the first driving shift. ''I call shotgun,'' muttered Jasper. ''Ringo can stay in the back.''

We'd only been on the road for a few miles when Jasper's cell phone rang. ''Yes?'' he answered. I turned and noticed that his expression changed suddenly, becoming a little grimmer as he listened.

''I don't know if there's a safe enough place yet…I see…but didn't you say that was impossible? All right. And they'll know?'' Jasper nodded into the phone, sighing. ''Fine. I'll call you when it's done.'' He snapped the phone shut. Something was wrong. I could feel strange, cold prickles creeping over my skin like ants.

''Change of plans,'' he announced, his voice a little sharp and weary. ''That was Carlisle. I don't think that we're going to Boston right now.''

''Indiana,'' mumbled Alistair cryptically from the back seat. His theoretical drunkenness seemed to be wearing off, and he was beginning to resemble his panicky, nervous self again. ''Keep going east. We need to stop in Indiana. Somewhere very quiet. I can show you. It will be safe there, I hope.''

''Safe from what?'' I asked, almost frantically. ''What's going on?''

Jasper opened his mouth to explain, but Alistair rambled on ahead. ''To my understanding, Miss Isabella, the young lad here is going to need to change you ahead of schedule.''

I swallowed hard, a sudden lump forming in my throat. ''When? And why so soon?''

''As soon as we get to the nearest safe, isolated place,'' replied Jasper, his voice quiet. For a moment, he looked even more nervous than the stammering English vampire in the back seat.

''_Why_?'' I yelled, slamming on the brakes. Jasper didn't seem to want to answer. Alistair, cranky from being jolted forward by the sudden stop, cranky about being involved in this situation at all, snapped, ''To make you _bulletproof_, you little shrieking harpy. Apparently, there are quite a few individuals who are rather invested in your death. And _not_ in your resurrection.'' He crossed his thin arms moodily.

My blood ran cold. Without saying a word, I very quietly and determinedly pulled the car over to the side of the road, and turned off the ignition. I glared at both Jasper and Alistair. ''Someone needs to do a little bit more explaining. Right now. I think you owe me _at least_ that much.''

''Much as I hate to admit this,'' Jasper said, a resigned look on his face, ''I think Alistair needs to do the talking here. It seems that he's been given more information than either of us.''

We both turned around to face our travel companion, who reluctantly began. ''I can only tell you as much as I know, but very well, here it is. Apparently, over a hundred years ago, after the Third Volturi Council, certain very important documents went missing from the Volterra Archives. They've never been completely recovered.''

Alistair paused. ''Would either of you happen to have a cigarette?'' he asked. Jasper shook his head furiously. ''Get on with it, Ringo,'' he growled.

''Right, just thought I might ask. I've had a very _trying_ day.'' Alistair sighed, then continued, ''One of these documents, a very ancient one, supposedly contained a prophecy. This prophecy spoke of a time of great change, when a powerful new immortal would be created. She would have powers that no vampire had ever seen before, and she would become a new leader, essentially overthrowing the Volturi and dismantling their carefully built hierarchy and changing the fate of our kind.'' Alistair put his hands up. ''I'm fairly certain that by now you've both gathered that this powerful immortal referred to in said prophecy is _you,_Miss Isabella. ''

I was in such shock that I couldn't even speak. I clutched the steering wheel so tightly that for a split second I was actually afraid that I might rip it right out of the dashboard. Jasper was practically trembling with fury. A million different emotions radiated out from his aura with the strength of bullets, so quickly that I couldn't even name them.

''I'm not exactly well-read on Volturi history,'' he spat. ''I _don__'__t__ give __two__ shits_ about Archives and Councils and missing documents. Now you answer me just one thing, Alistair, and you be sure to make your answer as clear and simple as possible. Who wants Bella dead, and why?''

Alistair mumbled something that sounded like ''Carlisle warned me he could be like this,'' and then cracked his knuckles, (a revolting sound, something I hadn't even known that vampires could or needed to do) and continued, ''Very well, I just thought that a little history might put this all into perspective, but I suppose those details can be put off until a later date. As to the identities of those who would wish harm to Miss Isabella, I must confess that I cannot say with absolute certainty, but it is my understanding that any immortal who had an awareness of this prophecy, was alarmed by what it contained and the threat it posed, and was able to determine that she was in fact the one that it referred to, could be the one that wanted her killed before she could be turned and attain her full power and strength.''

''How many know about the prophecy?'' Jasper pried fiercely.

''Who could say?'' cried Alistair, exhausted by the interrogation. ''The Volturi, obviously, and all those present at that particular Council, but as I told you before, parts of those documents went missing and their whereabouts are unknown to this day! Therefore, I can't give you an exact count. I have no idea how many have actually read them, or know about their contents.'' Alistair shrank back against the seat.

''Why are _you _helping us?'' pressed Jasper.

''Because Carlisle asked me to!'' Alistair wailed fitfully, ''Despite everything, he remains one of my oldest friends, one of my _only_ friends, really. And he knows I have no love for the Volturi, and would rather be ripped apart and burned than see their tyrannical, authoritarian reign continue for another hundred years.'' He put his head in his hands. ''Now, if you please, Sir, this is truly all I know. So let us be going, now, because I made a promise to my old friend and I am going to see it through. ''

A seemingly unnatural silence had fallen over the car, the air crushed mute with the weight of all these new revelations. Just to break the oppressive quiet, I started the car again, grateful for the sound of the engine roaring to life. ''Some vacation,'' I muttered.

Apparently, Alistair had some sort of psychic GPS implant, and could tell exactly where to go, just by having an idea of what he wanted to find. Instead of traveling all of the way to Boston, we needed to take this abrupt detour into rural Indiana, where we would be meeting two other trusted vampires at a kind of safe house, where I could be changed quickly without drawing any kind of undue attention.

None of us said much during the remainder of the abbreviated trip. I put all of my strength into blocking every sort of emotion and numbing myself as I concentrated on the road in front of me, following Alistair's instructions to ''make a left there,'' or ''wait until you pass this sign, then make a right.''

It wasn't easy, blocking not only my emotions, but Jasper's, which seemed to be blazing around him like a wildfire. He kept trying to break through to me, and though I hated to do it, I pushed him away. I needed to not feel or think anything for the moment, just to keep focused on the task at hand. It was all that was keeping me sane.

Night was falling as we pulled off of the highway onto a long, dirt pathway framed by forest. After following it for a mile or two, going deeper into the woods, I could glimpse a large, old house into the distance, lights burning in the many windows. ''There it is,'' said Alistair breathlessly, going limp with relief as I turned into the driveway.

As we neared the house and slowed to a stop, we were greeted outside by a tall, very handsome young male vampire with sparkling, energetic eyes. He waited patiently while I parked the car, and then as Jasper and I opened the doors and climbed out, he bounded over and shook Jasper's hand.

''Hello,'' he said eagerly. ''You must be Major Whitlock. A pleasure to meet you, sir, I'm Garrett.''

Jasper returned the handshake wearily. ''Just Jasper would be fine, Garrett. We're very grateful that you've agreed to help us. This is Bella Swan,'' Jasper gently placed a hand on my shoulder, ''and the nervous wreck in the car seems to have forgotten his manners.'' He tapped on the window. ''Alistair, come out of there now, and say hello to our friend.''

Grudgingly, Alistair pushed the door open and slipped out. ''Wonderful to make your acquaintance,'' he muttered, peering around anxiously. ''You wouldn't happen to have any brandy, would you?''

''Um, maybe…'' Garrett replied, looking slightly amused. ''Follow me. Kate is waiting inside. She and I arrived just a few hours ago. This place seems good; it's very isolated and these woods are perfect hunting grounds.''

Jasper and Garrett took the bags and went on ahead, talking together as we walked up the path to the house, Jasper glancing over his shoulder at me every few moments. I followed behind, more slowly. Alistair suddenly appeared at my side. ''Chin up, Miss,'' he said, now suddenly wearing a rare, calm expression on his face. ''I know that all this wasn't what you were expecting, but nobody ever expects their role in the larger scheme of things.''

I didn't answer, didn't really want to hear platitudes right then, but he went on talking, and for once, not twitching at all. ''I fought in the Great War, before I was changed. Back then, nobody knew it would only be the first so called 'World War'. We had no idea the history that we were creating, the chain of events that we had set into motion.'' Alistair's eyes looked soft now, and thoughtful. ''So many of my friends never even lived through the war, let alone a hundred years after it was over. I watched those years pass, saw more war, more evil, weapons being built that were more dangerous than anything we could have even dreamed of, then. I supposed it all made me quite bitter, for awhile, and still does. But Miss Isabella, the truth is that no matter what else is happening around you, you must simply try your best. And eventually then, after awhile, you become your own compass. Not some puppet of a strange destiny written by someone else.''

Alistair grew quiet then, until we reached the front door. ''Now, let's see about that brandy…'' he said, pulling it open and ushering me inside the spacious, airy mansion before wandering off after Jasper and Garrett.

I was greeted in the foyer by a gorgeous female vampire, who introduced herself as Kate. ''Now, don't worry,'' she said, ''You and Jasper will have plenty of privacy. Garrett and I are just here as extra protection and support.'' Her eyes grew kind as she regarded me. ''I want you to know that you've made a very brave decision.'' Kate looked like she wanted to add something else, but Garrett burst in then, saying ''I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies, but Kate—please, where is the key to the liquor cabinet? That mad Englishman is about to rip the door off.''

Kate rolled her eyes, ''I'll get it, Garrett. Bella, you and I can talk later, if you want. Your room is right down the hall to the left, if you'd like to get settled.'' She hurried away after Garrett, muttering something about giving out shock treatments.

Jasper ducked into the hallway as I headed towards the bedroom. ''Bella…'' He didn't say anything more than that, just whispered my name, grabbed me and pulled me against him, crashing his lips against mine. I kissed him wildly, not realizing that tears had begun to run down my face against my will. So much for being numb. I guess I needed more training in emotional control.

''I'm sorry,'' he whispered. ''I didn't know all of this; I had no idea. But,'' he swallowed hard and leaned me away from him so that he could look into my eyes, ''it doesn't change anything. Please, please, don't shut me out, it doesn't solve anything. In fact, it makes things worse. I told you before, darlin', I don't care about any prophecies. But I'm still going to do everything in my power to make damn certain that no harm comes to you, not because you're supposed to be some great and powerful leader, but because you are my Bella. I don't care if the whole damn world burns and goes to hell around us, as long as I'm with you. We are _strong_ together.'' He kissed me one more time, and then broke away, as we heard a loud crash from the other room.

Jasper turned quickly on his heels and followed the sound.

I moved to follow him, but what happened next happened so quickly that it seemed like a bright blur. There was a loud commotion erupting in the main living room, lots of yelling, glass breaking. A pair of strong hands which seemed to come out of nowhere yanked me back , covering my mouth and dragging me into the bedroom. I couldn't see the person's face; it was hooded and covered completely except for a pair of blood-red eyes. A gun was drawn, a brief flash of glinting steel.

_I__ wasn__'__t __expecting __them __to __use __something __so__…__human_. That was my last thought before the gun went off and the bullet hit me square in the chest.

Then I was on the floor, though I didn't even really remember falling. Jasper and Kate burst into the room, seconds too late. Jasper grabbed the intruder who had shot me, knocking the gun out of his grip and throwing him back towards Kate. The hooded vampire swung at her, but she extended her hand and then he went down, as if he had been tasered. ''Garrett, Alistair!'' she screamed, and then half a second later, Garrett appeared in the doorway, yelling ''I killed one, but there were at least two more. They disappeared, but they'll probably be…oh my God…'' he trailed off when he saw me, and Kate's insistent voice yelled ''Jasper will take care of it! She'll be ok! Get Alistair, we need to interrogate this piece of shit before we rip him apart.'' I could tell that she was trying with all of her might to ignore the strong scent of my blood, which was now spreading over the wooden floor.

Their voices grew fainter, then vanished out the door with them. Everything was going blurry. I felt like I was being dragged down a very long tunnel. I couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't _breathe_. The bullet must have hit a lung. I was drowning in my own body.

Now Jasper was beside me, a look of absolute, frantic terror in his eyes. I knew what had to be done, but I never dreamed that this would be the way. _I__ trust __you_, I tried to tell him, but no sound came out, and his beautiful face was fading as darkness began to completely blot out my vision. ''Close your eyes, Bella,'' he whispered to me, his voice shaking. ''It's going to hurt, baby.''

I tried in vain to draw one last gurgling, dying human breath, just as I felt Jasper sink his teeth into my throat.

**A/N To be continued… I know you all hate being kept in suspense, but more and more details will be revealed as the next part of the story unfolds, and everything will tie back together. Stay tuned!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N I know I kept all my wonderful readers in suspense, and I figured I owed you guys some explanations. Here is an extra-long chapter; I love you all and hope you enjoy it! Oh and by the way, Garrett _will_ be in the rest of the story; I fell in love with him a little bit while reading ''Breaking Dawn'' ;)**

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><p>The flame first appeared as simply a very clear, small light that seemed to slowly grow in size. There was nothing else, at first, just this light. But as it grew, I saw that it was actually illuminating what looked like a window. Through this window, I could revisit all of the moments of my life that mattered, as if they were somehow preserved intact in a place where time stood absolutely still. And I got to pick and choose the ones I loved the most, and I could gaze inside of them, wrapping myself in a safe blanket of all of those warm, wonderful feelings. Riding bikes with Jacob, Alice trying to coax me into nicer clothes, the lines on Charlie's forehead whenever he frowned at me. Carlisle's kind eyes, Esme's arms holding me. Even falling in love with Edward, that was preserved too, as if in a snow globe. Frozen. All of these, I noticed, contained a shimmer, almost like potential energy; a coiled spring. I don't know how long I was there, peering into my own memories.<p>

Then I was pulled violently away from the window, as the pain began.

In my mind, I screamed and screamed, though my mouth made no sound. A slow boil seemed to have begun, heat was rising and building. Then I felt as though something inside of me was breaking apart while being slowly burned. My window was shattering, and all of my beautiful, fragile, preserved memories seemed to explode as if hit by a nuclear blast, sending out a wild burst of feeling, light, and scattered images with the force of a supernova. I tried to catch them, to hold onto them, but I couldn't move my hands. Now, this wave of burning light had almost reached what was left of me, it was at my heels. There was nothing I could do; I was frozen, as if tied to a stake, watching the flames crawl closer. And while I clung to a few last shreds of consciousness, I found the strength to collect certain memories, bury them deep inside of whatever part of my mind remained, so that they would not be taken from me. I hid them, kept them safe. Even if I was obliterated by this encroaching fiery blast, my memories of Jasper were coming with me. And they would be the last thing I would see, my last hiding place.

When I was sure that I had them all, I let myself be hit by the burning flames of light.

_While this happened, though I was not aware of it at the time, a kind of chain reaction had been set off. As the blast consumed me, a shockwave of energy seemed to reverberate across space and time. Back in Forks, in the dim light of another overcast early morning, behind the locked door of my bedroom, the swirling fog of stored memories that I had unconsciously created had begun to take on solid form, coaxed into being by the energy released by my death and rebirth. It continued to come together, as though rising out of a primordial sea, until it grew strong and began to rattle at the door, trying to break loose_.

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><p>I don't think that you could call it waking up, but the process by which I rejoined the world was a slow one. There was a faint glimmer in the back of my mind, pushing me up out of what seemed like layers and layers of heavy lead. Inside this small sheen of light were the memories that I had saved, and they projected outward, reaching for me.<p>

An echo, a familiar voice, broke through. Jasper. I remembered him, and I wanted to be nearer to that voice, nearer to wherever he was. This sense of urgency prompted me. Up and up I climbed. I remembered music. And sky and stars and rain and sun and ground that ran on and on. Something he'd said, something I didn't recognize; a poem that made no sense. How had it gone? I was climbing higher now, and I felt strength returning to my body, felt myself as having solid mass once again, as though I was being re-formed. ''Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you.'' I could think a little more clearly now, pieces of awareness were returning.

''My blood approves, and kisses are a better fate than wisdom.'' Hadn't that been part of it? I could hear his voice saying those words in a memory.

Now, I hear that wonderful voice again, and it was calling a name, and somehow I knew that name was mine, and responded instinctively. I opened my eyes.

I was lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room. Everything had become remarkably clear; colors were unnaturally bright, and there were new scents in the air all around, ones that I had never noticed before. And I was not alone; Jasper was sitting beside me as though waiting for something. I knew his face; it was the one I had struggled so fiercely to hold in my mind as I was split apart by a blast of heat and light.

Relief flooded his features, and he broke into a smile. ''Bella,'' was all he said.

''Jasper!'' I said, and immediately noticed that _my_ voice sounded different. It was stronger and clearer, as crystalline as everything else. And then I remembered what this was, why it was this way. A pair of blood red eyes peering out from beneath a hood. The sound of a gun. The sensation of drowning. The bite of fangs, my last human memory. I had been changed. I had made it; it was over.

''I'm changed,'' I whispered to Jasper. ''You did it…I knew that you could.''

He leaned forward and threw his arms around me, kissing me. Warm happiness flooded my being and I kissed him back, realizing that every single tactile sensation was now a thousand times stronger. The world was more alive, even though technically I was not.

''Of course I did,'' he whispered, as we gripped each other so tightly that it hurt. ''Couldn't let you get away, now could I?'' Jasper grinned, and kissed me again.

I could hear footsteps from the other side of the house moving closer, until a beautiful face framed by long, silky blonde hair appeared in the doorway. Interrupting our embrace, Kate shrieked with delight when she saw me, and rushed into the room. ''Oh, you're _perfect_,'' she gushed. ''I knew that you would be just fine! Even as a human, you were already stronger than most.''

Excitedly, she grabbed one of my hands, ''Come on, let's go out and see the others! They've been so—'' Jasper interrupted Kate, saying, ''Don't you think you should give her a few minutes to—''

Kate dismissively waved him off with a delicate motion of her hand. ''Nonsense, she's in peak condition. Naptime is over, Bella needs to come out and play now.''

I nodded. I now had so much energy coursing through my body, I felt like I could swim the English Channel. It didn't make any sense to still be lying in bed like an invalid, though I could definitely have used some more time alone with Jasper. ''I feel great,'' I told him reassuringly. ''And…well…I want to see more. Everything looks clearer and brighter than before.''

Jasper gave in, then. ''All right, but remember that you're stronger than you might think. Don't bump into anything, you might knock the house down.'' A bright smile illuminated his amber eyes, making them seem to glow. His emotions were much more defined now; they didn't come at me in waves, they extended out from his body in rays of colored light, like an aura. I could view them without being taken under by their power. As Jasper gazed at me, his eyes promised that we would be having fun later.

I climbed out of the bed, realizing that I didn't have to yawn or stretch the way I had before. There was no tightness or fatigue anywhere in my body. I felt taller, if that was possible, and I noticed that my shoulders didn't hunch forward as they did when I was human. Someone had dressed me in my favorite pair of jeans and a comfortable, thin cotton sweater. As I stood up and took in more of my surroundings, I noticed something. A dark stain had been formed on the otherwise spotless polished wooden floor. Though someone had apparently tried to clean it, it was still there. Blood. And then, almost reflexively, I put a hand on my chest, remembering that a bullet had torn through there. It certainly didn't look like one had. I pulled the fabric of the shirt away from my skin to examine the site of my fatal wound, and there was nothing but smooth, pale, unblemished skin.

Stepping carefully past the place where I had died, Jasper, Kate and I left the room.

As we walked together down the hall, I found myself recalling the sounds of a huge commotion: breaking glass, things being knocked over. This had been right before I'd been shot. No visible signs of the struggle seemed to remain, except for faint scratches along some of the woodwork.

When we entered the living room, there was an audible gasp from Garrett, who was seated in one of the large, velvet armchairs. His perpetually animated expression turned from one of shock to one of excitement. ''You—you look wonderful, Bella! How do you feel?'' He was positively bursting with energy, it radiated out from him in bright shades of yellow.

I felt absolutely perfect. ''Strong,'' I told him. ''Clear. I have Spidey-senses.''

For example, at that moment I could hear Alistair shut the liquor cabinet in the study two rooms over, could hear the brandy sloshing around in the bottle as he approached. Sure enough, a few moments later he appeared, bottle in hand. His gold eyes widened when he noticed that I was standing in the middle of the room, and he muttered ''Bugger me,'' then opened the bottle and took a huge sip. Then he steadied himself, wiped his mouth on his shirt sleeve and said ''Well, I suppose it was all worth it, after all. She's bloody _spectacular_.'' He sank down onto a chair and clutched the bottle to his chest. ''You gave us a rough couple of days, Miss Isabella,'' he said. ''If I could still age, my hair would be mostly gray now. At least the hard part is behind us…I hope.''

He took another swig of brandy and Garrett rolled his eyes with disdain. ''Maybe now he'll stop trying to drink himself stupid. He's been on a bender for the better part of two days. We keep trying to tell him that it's all in his head, but that doesn't seem to mean much.''

''Listen, you sodding little Colonial…'' Alistair began sourly, but I interrupted them. ''Did you find out who shot me?'' I asked. Garrett shifted a little in his chair, the light around him flickering and darkening ever so slightly, as if there were some sort of static interference. ''Well,'' he began, at the same moment that Kate said, ''you know, we can talk about this later, Bella, you must be thirsty.''

I was. This was probably a good idea. I would need strength to face whatever came next, on the next part of this journey, the second act of my life after a brief intermission, announced by the sound of a gun firing. And now the woods surrounding the house that I could glimpse through the window seemed to beckon. It was time to go hunting.

Hunting, actually, had been quicker than I expected, and as natural to me as any typical ritual of eating that I had known in my old life, though I hadn't counted on the ease with which I could kill and feed from the various animals that I caught with my bare hands. Jasper hadn't needed to teach me much, somehow I simply picked up on the cues of nature and of my own new vampire body, allowing my senses to lead me toward the best source of nourishment, then subdue and kill my prey. I didn't necessarily understand why everyone had warned me so strongly about the perils of being a newborn, the supposed feral violence, the insatiable thirst. I didn't feel like I was out of control, in fact, I was almost _less_ impulsive than I had been as a human. Once I felt full, I stopped, announcing to Jasper that we should go back to the house. Once satisfied, my hunger had temporarily waned, and I felt a more pressing desire to know the details of my murder, and an understanding of what was to happen next.

''She's so _controlled,__'' _I could hear Kate exclaiming as Jasper and I arrived back at the house. ''It's easy to see now why she was the one. I mean, if this is what she's like at only a few hours old, imagine the abilities that might reveal themselves in time.''

''Yes, love, but that was only the first part,'' Garrett interjected. ''Just because they failed to kill her before she could be turned doesn't mean that they'll suddenly _stop_ trying. It will be harder now, of course, but not _impossible_. Just because she's an immortal does not automatically mean that she will fulfill the prophecy. And I'm sure that whoever they are, they have a contingency plan.''

''Maybe you should be explaining all of this to Miss Isabella,'' Alistair interrupted crankily, ''Since she's the one that is going to be most affected by it. And especially since she can already hear every word that you're saying.''

I smiled as I took that as our cue to enter the room where they all sat, locked into this heavy discussion. Garrett grinned sheepishly, acknowledging our presence. ''Hey there. How did you like your first meal?''

''It was delicious,'' I admitted, then sat down on the couch, out of habit. I wasn't tired and didn't feel the physical need to sit and rest; it was just a natural reflex. Jasper joined me, affectionately slipping his arm across my shoulders. I glanced around at the faces of our friends; everyone looked very expectant. ''The whole process was easier than I thought it would be,'' I added, shrugging. ''It all felt…pretty ordinary, actually. Like…well, like making a pot of spaghetti or something.''

Alistair began to _laugh_, then, a sound that I hadn't heard from him before, and rather hoped that I wouldn't hear again. There was a new bottle traveling with him everywhere now; apparently he'd gone through all the brandy and was now working his way through a very old, very expensive-looking bottle of Scotch. ''Like making spaghetti,'' he repeated, then dissolved into hysterics again. ''You know, it's really rather amusing because…because….'' He couldn't even finish his this thought, he was laughing so hard. At least he wasn't twitching and stammering.

''Honestly, man, get a hold of yourself!'' Garrett ordered him sternly, clearly disgusted. Then, to me, he said ''Alistair just means that you show a remarkable level of self-control. I can't say that any of us are actually surprised by it, though it's fascinating to witness, I'll admit. You seem to have retained a good deal of your human attributes and mannerisms. But, it was said that you would be completely unique among our kind, and you are.''

''Speaking of which,'' Jasper's smooth, drawling voice broke in, ''Although Alistair has filled us in on certain details, there is quite a bit that I think Bella and I still need to know about this prophecy.''

Kate caught Garrett's eye and then after a moment of some kind of silent communication, they both nodded. ''Well, it's kind of a long story, but I guess I can start,'' Kate began slowly, collecting her thoughts. ''The Volturi were not always what they are now. They weren't obsessed and power-hungry. At one point in history, they actually showed some small manner of respect for humans, especially ones with gifts. They felt that certain humans should be made immortal in order to preserve their talents, whether in art, science, or invention. To allow these individuals to grow old, wither, and die a human death was seen as a terrible waste of beauty and ability, and it was a widely held belief that changing these mortals was doing them a great favor. Also, the idea of a so-called ''vegetarian'' vampire was not unheard of, nor necessarily seen as unnatural. It was merely a choice that certain immortals made, and it was rather common, even trendy for a century or two, much like fad diets or health food crazes among humans. I won't say that there was a peaceful co-existence between humans and vampires, it wasn't that, of course not. Generally, as a species, humans were viewed by the average vampire as our weaker ancestors. And naturally, we took advantage of their weaknesses. ''

''You fed off of them,'' I reiterated.

''Of course we fed off of them!'' Kate stated emphatically. ''Drinking human blood was natural to us; we had evolved, in a sense, and we adapted and survived the way we knew how. We had been catapulted to the very top of the food chain, and behaved accordingly. That's not to say that we weren't _discriminating_ in who we hunted, once we had passed out of the hunger frenzy that came with being a newborn. Many chose to kill only criminals; thieves, murderers, adulterers, and so forth. Another kind of 'diet.' These vampires felt that such individuals deserved to be used as food, and they wouldn't really be missed anyway. They saw it as doling out a kind of karmic justice that wasn't being served by the law.

''Like humans, many vampires tend to form covens and groups based on a common belief, or agenda. And there was one such group which was very large and influential,'' she continued. ''They worked directly in conjunction with the Volturi, as a kind of 'special task force' if you will. They called themselves the Literati, and they were dedicated to the preservation of culture. Art, music, poetry, and so forth. These were the vampires who would choose which humans should be turned, saved, in a sense, in order to preserve their talents through immortal life. And for awhile this did appear to work. In fact, some of those that you consider to be the greatest artists and poets of the past few centuries _were_ changed. But, like always, it was not without consequence. And it was harder than expected, particularly as the changed, as populations grew, traveled and expanded, and stories and rumors spread, the way that they do. And these specially selected immortals were forced to remain out of sight, lest they be recognized, and draw attention. They grew despondent in their new existence, realizing that no matter what wondrous works they might create during their now-eternal life, they would not be able to reach their old, beloved audience. Their brilliant creations could only be admired by other vampires, featured on the walls of Volterra, performed in its halls. To their living admirers, they had left the world, and soon anyone who had loved them forgot, grew old, and died. These artists began to grow restless, and eventually, go completely mad. It was like an existential mind-sickness, and their erratic behavior became a threat.

''And so, obviously, the Volturi were very concerned and fearful, and they were forced to eliminate their own most prized creations. After this, they started cracking down, becoming more and more controlling. And all of this led up to the edicts issued forth during the Third Volutri Council, the summit during which many of the laws that they govern by today were written. The Literati was officially disbanded, their practices condemned by the Volturi. But that didn't stop certain members.''

Alistair had apparently decided that he needed to interject here, and did so, explaining, ''You see, some of the Literati had become almost drunk on the blood of these artists. They craved it, became connoisseurs, if you will. Talented human blood was a rare delicacy to them, and no matter what the Volturi said or did, they were not going to stop hunting these humans, even if they couldn't collect them, so to speak_.__Disgraceful_ behavior. Made a lot of high-profile messes that the Volturi were not happy about cleaning up. That odd, sickly little Poe fellow in Baltimore,'' Alistair counted on his fingers, ''the handsome singer in Paris, and even that poor, skinny blond boy in Seattle who played the guitar. And that's only naming a few!''

''But these were only _some_ of the former Literati members, the hedonistic ones. They cared only about serving their addictions,'' explained Kate, commandeering the lesson once again. ''Other members of the group went underground, in a manner of speaking, and formed their own sub-sects. One side developed rather, shall we say, _self-hating_ beliefs. These vampires felt that they were damned, or cursed, even an abomination. The madness that eventually infected the turned artists only confirmed to them that the creation of true art or beauty was only possible if one was human. The soul, in their opinion, was what allowed human beings to create such wonderful things. And turning someone into a vampire essentially robbed them of that. They vowed to never change a human again, even under the gravest circumstances. Better to let them truly die with their souls intact, than grant them eternal life, damning them. Certain of those that held this belief, however, elaborated upon it to claim that certain marked humans should be, well…assassinated is probably the best word. They called themselves the Memento Mori.''

''Marked humans?'' I echoed. ''What does that mean?''

Kate sighed. ''In the Volterra Archives, there is a kind of index of all vampires who currently exist. Sort of like Social Security in this country. Of course, some go under the radar, but the Voturi felt that to have control they needed to keep a count, or at best some sort of exhaustive record. After the new laws were written during the Third Council, they began to push it a step further. They wanted a way to screen for humans who might possibly become vampires. Apparently, they didn't learn very much from the mistakes of the past. You can't guarantee with any absolute certainty what a human will be like once they are changed. But still, they wanted to try and get a glimpse of what the future held.''

''How would they do this…this kind of screening process?'' asked Jasper, who hadn't really said much until then.

''Well, the Volturi has always kept seers in their employ. Being able to see the future has always been an ability that was highly prized. And these seers saw it as their duty to go out undercover and essentially 'scan' or 'read' humans until occasionally they would find one whose future revealed becoming a vampire. The names of these humans were cataloged and then kept in a very secure location inside the Archives, as well as a list of any potential abilities that they might possess, based on what the seers saw in their future. It was all very secretive, almost like what your CIA does,'' Kate laughed, but it was a bitter sound. ''The seers would, occasionally also make prophecies based on their visions. The contents were always written down, and once again filed away where only a few would have access to them. Now, one prophecy in particular caused the Volturi a lot of worry, especially considering that this was around the time when they believed that they were gaining absolute authority over all immortals. This prophecy stated that in the first part of the next century, in the Northwestern part of the United States, there would be a human, a girl, with abilities and potential unlike anything seen before. She would live among the vampires, and they would guard her as their own. The girl was destined to become a perfect immortal, one who had the power to 'create an un-killable army with a single thought.' She would challenge the Volturi, and she would be victorious, ending their reign and ushering in a new era.''

''Bella,'' Jasper said simply, resting a hand on my knee.

Kate nodded. ''None other than. But the prophecy and several other documents went missing from the Archives shortly after that. I can safely say, though, that both the Volturi and this rogue faction, the Memento Mori, could want Bella dead, but for different reasons. Likewise, those who protect her have their own reasons for doing so.''

''The vampire who attempted to murder Bella, though, used a gun,'' added Alistair, leaning his head back against the elegant chair and studying the ceiling, ''which would certainly implicate the Memento Mori, whose assassination tactics were always of the human variety, to avoid drawing any sort of undue attention to themselves. All of their killings were always made to seem like random, untimely human deaths. Just plain old bad luck.''

''I thought that you said you didn't know any more than what you already told us,'' Jasper said, glaring daggers at the English vampire.

''And as I recall, Sir, _you_ said that you didn't want a history lesson!''

The two continued to bicker until, unable to stand it anymore, I stood up abruptly and crossed the room to where Alistair was sitting, and yanked the bottle of Scotch from his hands. That got his attention.

''I say, young lady, I hardly think—'' he began, but I shot him a deadly look, unscrewed the top and took a huge sip. Ugggh. It slid down my throat with a slow, smooth burn.

''Strong stuff, eh Milady?'' Alistair winked at me. ''You'd better take it easy there.''

''It's a placebo effect, remember?'' I grumbled, but handed the bottle back to him.

I sighed, and stared around the room at the faces of my friends and my lover. ''I thought that the Volturi _wanted_ me to become a vampire. What sense would that make if they were afraid of me?''

''Well, it's entirely possible that they were certain you would never find out about the prophecy. Maybe they believed that even if you were turned, your overthrow of them could be prevented if they got to you first, brought you over to their side, somehow,'' explained Garrett.

''Just like Anakin Skywalker in _Revenge__ of __the__ Sith_,'' I muttered.

''Pardon?'' said Alistair, looking confused. He took another large gulp of Scotch, seemingly happy to have it back in the safety of his grip once again.

''Could it be, though, that not every member of the Volturi is even aware of everything that the prophecy said?'' I asked. ''Didn't you say that it's _missing_? Who took it? What did they want with it? And another thing—'create an un-killable army with a single thought' ? What the hell does that even mean?''

Suddenly, the energy of the house shifted as I became aware that the four of us were not alone, but I didn't sense any danger. Instead, I caught a noticeable new scent in the air, along with the comfortable warmth of a familiar aura. Startled, I whirled around, just as Carlisle entered the room.

I couldn't help it; I let out a yelp of excitement and practically flew across the room and into his arms, nearly knocking him down. ''Ooops, sorry, I forgot that I'm strong!'' I said, loosening my grip. ''I'm so happy to see you!''

''And I am very happy and relieved to see _you_, Bella. Jasper called me and told me everything.'' Carlisle frowned. ''I'm very sorry that your change had to occur under such terrible circumstances. I understand that you obviously still have some questions, and I'm here to try and help answer those. Starting with the last one. Rosalie!'' he called. Rosalie? What on earth was Rosalie doing here?

The beautiful, elegant vampire entered the room, her lips pursed in a thin line. But she wasn't alone. At her side, there stood what seemed to be a person, but I couldn't tell. It was almost completely covered, shrouded in blankets.

''Wh—who is that, exactly?'' I asked, pointing.

''Yet another mistake of yours, apparently,'' Rosalie mumbled, glaring at me, taking in my changed appearance with stinging contempt.

''Rosalie, we talked about this,'' Carlisle warned her sharply. ''When you agree to help, you agree to be _civil_. And Bella,'' he continued, ''I need to show you something, and it may be a little…disturbing at first.''

He motioned to Rosalie, and she gently pulled the blankets off of the person standing next to her.

Only I wasn't sure if you could call it a person. It was more of a creature; tiny, thin, almost wraith like. It looked like a girl, the features were feminine but _deformed_, as if it had been in a terrible accident, burnt beyond recognition. The being had long, dark hair and eyes that were almost completely black. It didn't seem to be able to speak, but it could walk and move.

Kate hissed and reared back, obviously horrified. Garrett and Alistair just stared in disbelief and confusion.

Jasper was at my side in an instant, placing a hand protectively on my shoulder. ''Remember when we had that talk on the plane about thought monsters?'' he whispered, his voice shaking a little.

I didn't think, just reacted instinctively, growling and reaching for the strange creature. Its deformed face registered no surprise or alarm, and it made no sound. The minute my fingers came into contact with its skin, the being completely disintegrated, leaving only a small pile of ash on the floor where it had stood only a moment before.

Rosalie gasped and leapt back, obviously not anticipating what had occurred. Only Carlisle remained fairly calm, as he always seemed to be able to, despite the circumstances.

''What the _hell __just __happened_?'' I demanded. Out of shock, my hand remained extended in the air.

''It would appear,'' Carlisle said slowly, ''that Bella has developed a kind of unconscious ability to actually create a being simply by trapping psychic energy.''

''I didn't _make_ that _thing_!'' I shrieked. ''Why would I want to create something so horrible?''

Carlisle shook his head, rushing on to explain, ''But that's exactly it, Bella. You didn't do it intentionally.'' Now he addressed the rest of the room. ''My friends, the…being that we brought here is what's known in Tibetan mysticism as a Tulpa. It is created purely by the mind power and discipline of the creator. Now, typically, the one who creates the Tulpa sets out with the intention and desire to create the being. In fact, usually it is created for a specific purpose, and then it is dissolved once that purpose has been fulfilled. The Tulpa technically cannot be _killed_, it can usually only be destroyed or un-made by the mind of the one who created it, or, in certain instances, if the creator dies, then the Tulpa also ceases to exist. It isn't actually _alive_ in the true sense of the word, though it can appear to be.''

''Jasper told me,'' he continued, ''that he thought Bella might have developed an ability to actually create an almost tangible force field through harnessing trapped emotional energy, usually drawing from the energies contained in a memory. This ability is, for now, as I've said before, largely unconscious and uncontrolled. I believe this Tulpa that you all saw today was created during a large psychic explosion that radiated out from Bella while she was being changed. Somewhere, there existed a great deal of concentrated, trapped, almost electrically charged energy that was somehow connected to Bella's mind. And all it needed in order to take on solid form, was a spark.''

''Why was it so horrible-looking?'' asked Kate, shuddering.

For whatever reason, Rosalie scowled at her, then, surprisingly, answered the question. ''From what I understand about all of this…witchcraft, or whatever it is, usually the person who makes it has the intention to do so, like Carlisle said. And they can make it look like whatever they want. But technically, nobody _created_ Shrimp. She was just sort of thrown together in a jumble of whatever psychic goop Bella left behind in her room.''

''Shrimp?'' repeated Jasper, staring incredulously at her.

''I called her Shrimp, because she was little and ugly, but it wasn't her fault. '' Rosalie whispered.

''Rosalie,'' Carlisle said softly, ''We talked about this. She wasn't _real_.''

Rosalie didn't say anything, just retreated into sulking silence.

Suddenly, I remembered something. Jasper, staring up the staircase at my house in Forks, asking, ''how did you do that?'' I clapped a hand over my mouth. ''She—it—came from my room? How did it get out?''

''She broke the window,'' explained Rosalie, sounding almost impressed. ''Poor Charlie thought someone had broken _in_,'' she laughed. ''And then your dog friend found her running around the woods. Said something about her having your scent. He brought her to Carlisle, all freaked out. Said he didn't even want to know.''

''Oh my God,'' I said. If I didn't have the strength of an immortal, I might have fainted. Jasper wrapped his arms around me, running his fingers soothingly up and down my back. I stared down at the pile of ashes that was still sitting on the floor.

''You didn't know. And it was natural that you dissolved her; you didn't _hurt_ anything, she was only a figment of your mind,'' Carlisle told me reassuringly, ''But now you see the ability that you posses. And the prophecy _was_ correct, if you were focused enough, I believe that you _could _create an army, if you had to.''

I clung to Jasper as hard as I could, knowing that I had to ask a question but terrified of the answer. Finally, I drew myself up and gathered the courage to ask it. ''Will I have to?''

Carlisle didn't respond for a moment, but then he said ''That…remains to be seen.''

**A/N Who really tried to kill Bella? What is Rosalie's agenda? Where exactly is Edward, and how does he fit into all this? Did Alice ever get the diary back? More answers to come; stay tuned! **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers; obviously been busy with RL and the obligatory cold and flu season wearing me down. Hope you keep reading; I will keep writing. I love you all. Here is a new chap for you. Poetry quotes in italics belong to e.e. cummings and everything else belongs to Stephenie Meyer.  
><strong>

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><p>I was restless. After witnessing the Tulpa that I had created, actually seeing a manifestation formed by my ability, I was becoming a little afraid of myself. Night was now falling around the house, and everything was quiet and still. Carlisle and Rosalie would be staying for a few days; there was still much to discuss, but at the moment, hearing any more details about my supposed destiny might cause me to put my fist through a wall. And this poor house had been through enough trauma.<p>

It occurred to me that I no longer needed to sleep. This would take some getting used to. All in all, I felt very natural in my vampire body; I didn't really miss the idea of eating human food, and it was nice to not be so clumsy anymore. But it seemed strange to not have the need to rest my body and my mind, to refresh myself through dreaming. I supposed that I would just have to find some other way to spend all of those extra hours.

As it was, at that moment I stood staring down at the bed in the room where I had died, the bed where I had awoken after being reborn into my new life. Jasper stood in the doorway, watching me as I examined the blankets, the pillows. ''Well, you've had quite a day, haven't you?'' he drawled, raising an eyebrow. ''I am beyond confused,'' I admitted.

''Yes, but you look fantastic,'' he offered playfully, walking over and wrapping his arms around me. I leaned back into his embrace, relishing the close contact. The past few days had been…beyond hectic. And Jasper and I hadn't exactly had the time to be together. It was easy to forget, in the midst of all the drama and madness, that this had all started with him and me. Our being together was not second to anything, any prophecy or destiny. Turning our heads, our lips met.

I was no longer human or breakable. Jasper did not have to worry about being too rough; I craved every ounce of contact that he could give me. We kissed almost frantically, desperate to escape into each other, to have some reprieve from this wild world in which we had suddenly found ourselves. I twined my fingers through his hair, pulling on the long strands, trying to drag him even closer to me. He moved his hands to my waist, and then went to work removing my shirt, pulling it over my head.

I responded in kind, fumbling with the buttons on his clothes; I couldn't seem to undress him quickly enough. We tumbled together onto the bed. There was no ounce of fear or hesitation in my mind, I only felt desire and anticipation. I had waited a long time for this.

''Can I finish that poem for you, Miz Swan?'' Jasper whispered into my ear, then flicked it with the end of his tongue. I nodded feverishly. ''You might as well.''

''Good, because I find that the ending is rather appropriate,'' he chuckled. ''It goes ,

_'we are for each other; then_

_Laugh, leaning back in my arms_

_For life's not a paragraph_

_And death I think is no parenthesis''_

''What do you think, darlin'?'' he asked, running his fingers over my now naked torso, making my body tremble under his touch.

In answer, I laughed, and leaned back.

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><p>And so, I experienced my first sleepless vampire night; this was all I would know from now on. And as long as Jasper was beside me, I didn't think that I would mind those extra hours. I'd had another first, as well, and it had been…well, <em>spectacular<em>, actually, which from what I'd heard wasn't typical. Perhaps it was because I was now a vampire, and the ordinary pain that most women experienced while losing their virginity didn't affect me. Or maybe it was because I'd been with Jasper, and he somehow knew exactly where to touch me and how to do it.

We lay together for a few hours, in each other's arms, just enjoying the feel of the closeness of our bodies. When early morning began to creep across the sky, Jasper went hunting. He asked me if I wanted to join him, but I felt like I wanted just a few minutes to get my thoughts in order. I stood by the window, with my fingertips pressed against the glass, creating a smudge. I knew for sure now that Jasper was the person I was supposed to be with. We fit together so well, both emotionally and physically. But at the same time, I had no hard feelings towards Edward, he would always mean something to me, but the fire that had once burned inside of my heart, making me feel that I would die if I was apart from him, that fire had burned itself out, and now only an empty, cold circle of ashes remained. He did not deserve to be hurt, but he would need to understand that I had made my own choices. And if he couldn't respect those choices, then….well then maybe he hadn't really loved me the way that I'd thought he did. Perhaps it really was only my humanity that attracted him. Without it, I was as damned and soulless as he believed himself to be. Jasper, I knew, loved me because I was Bella. Human or not, I was still me, and at least he understood that. I sighed and drew my long, pale, now elegant fingers away from the window. The smudge, however, remained.

Leaving the bedroom, I wandered into the living room and found Carlisle there. He seemed to be deep in thought, almost troubled about something. ''Hey,'' I said softly. Carlisle looked up, and smiled slightly. ''Hello Bella,'' he answered, then added, ''would you mind if we spoke for a few minutes?''

I shook my head. ''Not at all.'' I sat down in a plush armchair, and stared at him expectantly.

''Bella,'' Carlisle began, fixing me with his kindly golden eyes, ''yesterday, right when I arrived, you were wondering if perhaps not all of the Volturi knew about the prophecy. This was an interesting thought. And the truth of the matter is, I can't really say with any certainty. You were told that the prophecy has been missing, correct?''

I nodded. ''Well,'' continued Carlisle, ''what if I was to tell you that it has been found?''

I raised my eyebrows. This was interesting. ''Where?'' I asked. ''And found by whom?'' And when can I actually see it? I silently added.

Carlisle sighed, looking as if he would rather not have to think about all of this, and answered, ''Do you remember the Civil War diary that Jasper asked Alice to steal?''

''Sure,'' I replied, recalling the conversation that the two had on the night we left Forks. ''It was at the library. Someone had sent it to the historian there. ''

Nodding, Carlisle continued, ''Yes, and naturally Jasper wanted it because it mentioned not only vampire attacks but also sightings of him after he had been turned. But what he didn't know was that the missing documents containing the prophecy were also hidden inside that diary.''

My eyes widened. I couldn't believe it. My prophecy had been literally right in front of us. ''Where is it now?'' I demanded. Strangely, when I spoke, my whole body seemed to vibrate, and it felt like there were waves of energy radiating outward from my skin. The discarded bottle of Scotch that Alistair had left on the table actually shook slightly. I blinked, thinking that it must have been my new vampire eyes playing a trick with the light.

''Alice had it,'' Carlisle replied slowly, regarding me curiously, then eyeing the bottle on the table. Had he seen that too? To my relief, he didn't mention it, and went on, ''but she left. Several days ago. And she didn't tell anyone where she was going. I'm certain that she has her reasons, but I don't think that this was a wise idea. She was safer with us. It may only be a matter of time before the Volturi see that she has the prophecy. And I hate to think what might happen then.''

''Do you think that they'd hurt her?'' I whispered. God, I hated the thought that my best friend could be in danger because of a few stupid pieces of paper.

Carlisle shrugged. ''I don't think that Aro would. He's always had a real fondness for Alice, and for you too, Bella. At one point, he wanted Edward to join him as well, but after he saw you, I think that suddenly you became his top priority.''

''See, this is the part I don't understand, Carlisle,'' I said, rising to my feet and beginning to pace the room. Great, I was turning into Alistair. I'd be raiding liquor cabinets in no time. ''If Aro knew about the prophecy, I can't see why he wanted me to become a vampire so much. Unless, like Alistair said before, he wanted to somehow sway me over to his side.''

''I don't think it's that, Bella,'' Carlisle explained calmly, ''If anything, the real villains at work here are probably some of the last people we would expect. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, their own stake in this matter. I assume that Kate told you about the Literati?''

''The artist collectors, or whatever?''

Carlisle smiled at my description. ''I suppose that's what they were, in a sense. At one point in history, I was also somewhat a part of that group. I wanted to preserve the best of humanity, save it, make it stronger and immortal. It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn't a monster, just a different part of nature, a new, altered version of the same person I had always been. It seemed like a noble goal, turning these talented people. But of course, you know what happened after that. Aro was also very influential in the Literati. I don't think that he's ever really grown out of his love for special humans. You, especially, rekindled that desire in him. So, I have the strong feeling that whatever else Aro might be capable of, he would not have ordered your assassination. Others, though….''

Carlisle trailed off. We heard the sound of high heeled shoes clicking against the floor, announcing Rosalie's arrival. She materialized in the doorway, looking fantastic in form fitting black pants and a long wrap-around sweater. Her expression, however, was, like always, rather cold. ''Carlisle, don't you think that Bella should be getting to work now? She needs to train, remember?''

''Train for what?'' Garrett asked, entering the room, Kate at his side.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. ''To focus and expand her abilities, obviously. If she needs to create an army, she needs to be prepared. We don't need any more _mishaps_.'' Her expression darkened even further at the memory of what had transpired the day before.

''Hey now,'' Garrett put up his hands, jumping in before either Carlisle or I could respond, ''I think that maybe you should give Bella some time. There's no rush, is there? And what is she going to do, make an army and then just send them marching all the way to Volterra? Be reasonable, you can't start a war without a little bit of _planning_.''

''I'm not starting a war at all!'' I exclaimed, putting my hands on my hips. ''And I'm not going to make an entire army of thought monsters until I'm absolutely sure I need one. And I'm certainly not going to attack the Volturi without some sort of reason; that would be idiotic, not to mention suicidal! But Rosalie was right about one thing, much as I hate to admit it. I do need to get this ability under control, learn more about it.''

The ringing of a cell phone suddenly cut through the silence that had descended over the room after I'd made my declarations. Rosalie frowned and answered it with a curt ''what?'' Her frown deepened. ''I thought that you promised this wouldn't happen…well, he needs to be stopped. I don't care _how_, find some excuse! Listen, you mangy piece of crap, I could snap you right in half…oh, all right. Fine. '' Her face turned furious. ''Oh, go _lick_ yourself!'' Rosalie slid the phone closed and tossed her hair over her shoulder. Noticing all of our rather perplexed and slightly amused expressions, she explained _'_'That was the mutt, Jacob. Apparently, Bella, Edward is back. And he knows that you were shot. But he doesn't know that you've been turned. And once he finds out, it will only be a matter of time before his creepy new friends know, if they don't know already. And then they'll be after all of us, if they're not already on their way.''

''What creepy new friends?'' This was Alistair, who had been standing so quietly in the alcove that none of us had even realized that he was there.

''Exactly what I would like to know,'' I growled, then eyed Rosalie fiercely, that strange tremble of energy beginning to rise again. I tried to force it to recede, adding, more calmly, ''You were with Edward up until a few days ago, and you need to tell me what's going on. Why are you even here?''

''I'm here to help, against my better judgment!'' snapped Rosalie, with another toss of her lovely blonde head. ''Look, all I know is, about a month or so ago, someone started sending Edward these weird letters, filling his head with garbage about how you were about to be used as a pawn in a terrible game, how you were going to be turned and then become some kind of abomination, a Volturi puppet or whatever. You know how Edward is; he hates what we are, he thinks we're damned, and apparently so do these other vampires. Or at least that's what they wanted him to believe.

''Hey,'' Rose continued, ''I swear I didn't know all about this prophecy, or whatever. And in the beginning, the letters were pretty convincing. I even began to believe some of the crap they were spewing. You all know how I feel about this life, and I think that was why Edward felt he could confide in me. They wanted to arrange some kind of meeting, but then Alice coughed up her fake vision of immortal children, and he, Emmett and I left. Edward started to figure that something was up after a few days, and he started to grow suspicious and paranoid. He contacted his pen-pal buddies, and they decided to have their pow-wow after all. That's when Carlisle and Alice tracked me down and explained everything, or at least most of it. I was supposed to stay and see what exactly these…people were up to, then report back. It killed me, but I wasn't supposed to tell Emmett, either, in case Edward started poking around in our heads. But Edward had gotten so paranoid that he kept trying and trying to read my mind. I was having a real hard time shielding him, and he was starting to wonder why I was blocking all the time. I guess that his new friends used this to their advantage, and brain-washed him against me, convincing him that I was all a part of this conspiracy to turn Bella into a Volturi Stepford Wife, or whatever it was.''

Rosalie folded her arms across her chest. ''They got their hooks in to him pretty deep, so I ran. I left Emmett a note telling him that I would explain everything later, but that he needed to keep a close eye on Edward and these other vampires. Look, Bella, I've never really been fond of you, but you didn't deserve what they were going to do to you. And you do have some valuable gifts. If Carlisle and everyone else seems to think that protecting you is the best course of action…well, I trust them and I will help. Besides,'' she shuddered a little bit, ''you didn't have to be clairvoyant to see that there was something really off about that group. They were like a cult, so totally manipulative and controlling. I actually think that they finally managed to convince Edward that killing you while you were still human was the best thing to do. ''

''How could Edward think that?'' I whispered. There was a huge lump in my throat, now. I'd known how he felt about my desire to be turned, but I couldn't believe that he would actually condone my murder just to ensure that I never became a vampire.

Rosalie shook her head. ''He's as much a victim of these idiots as anyone else. They used his inherent self-hatred and his love for you as a human to sway him. That, and they made it sound like you would just become this horrific monster. It's like,'' Rose racked her brain to find the best example, ''you know how in those zombie movies, one of the good guys usually gets bit and then their friend has to shoot them because it's better than letting them change completely? Edward became so convinced that you were going to become some kind of demonic uber-vampire, that you wouldn't be _you_ anymore, that he actually _agreed_ with them. I'm not sure what their agenda is, but it definitely involves not letting you live, Bella. In _any_ shape or form.''

Kate spoke up, then ''These vampires that got into contact with Edward, did you notice anything specific about them, Rosalie?''

Rose shuddered again, remembering. ''Well, there were only three of them that I saw. They were very somber-looking, and they all dressed alike, always in black. They each had some kind of tattoo, or brand, on the underside of their wrists. I could never see them clearly enough to know what they were of, though. ''

Kate locked eyes with Garrett and Alistair, who said ''that definitely sounds like the Memento Mori…they always seem to travel in threes, from what I've heard. And the tattoo is a symbolic commitment to their ideological goals, every member has it. But it doesn't feel right, there's more going on here than just killing Bella in order to stop her from being turned.''

''What makes you say that?'' I asked softly, still thinking of how easily Edward would cast me aside just because of what I was.

''Because,'' Kate slowly explained to me, ''the Memento Mori don't kill other vampires. They kill humans, to save their souls before they can be turned. If they've already been changed, well, that's that, one more eternally damned monster managed to sneak in. They would normally have no continued interest in Bella if they knew she was a vampire ''

''That and, I've never heard of them focusing so much attention and planning on one single person,'' Carlisle added. ''This is part of something bigger. Someone else is pulling the strings, using the Memento Mori and having them not only attempt to kill Bella, but also to convince Edward that she needed to die. They're a quiet group, and they typically don't go around recruiting. Unless of course, they've been instructed to.''

''But who exactly would be doing the instructing? That's still the damn question, ain't it?"

My spirit brightened at the sound of Jasper's voice as he walked into the room. He came to stand beside me, right where he belonged. I slid my hand through his and squeezed it, realizing how incomplete I had felt even during the short time that he was gone. He squeezed back, and I knew that he felt the same.

''It has to be the Volturi,'' Kate stated emphatically. ''They're using the Memento Mori to do their dirty work, to get rid of Bella before she can overthrow them.''

''Kate, that still doesn't fit,'' Carlisle told her gently.

''Bloody well right, it doesn't fit,'' sputtered Alistair. ''Do you seriously think that the Volturi need _anyone_ to do their so-called dirty work for them, let alone a rogue faction of radical vampires whose actions they have openly condemned? Once the Volturi have unanimously agreed on something, nothing stands in their way. If they really were so damned afraid of Bella, she'd be a pile of ashes by now. They wouldn't count on some ridiculous cult of self-hating assassins to do the job.''

A strange thought suddenly itched at my mind. ''Alistair, wait, what was that you said, about once the Volturi have _unanimously_ agreed on something?''

Alistair sighed mightily. ''Yes, Miss Isabella, it's one of their rules or whatever rot they jotted down after the Third Council. The Volturi are a group, a unit. Unless they all agree to an action, especially one that carefully orchestrated, it isn't carried out. It was the way they all decided to keep the balance of power.''

I remembered something that Carlisle had said to me earlier. _''__Yesterday,__right__ when __I __arrived, __you __were __wondering __if __perhaps __not __all__ of__ the__ Volturi__ knew__ about__ the__ prophecy.__This__ was__ an__ interesting__ thought.__And__ the__ truth__ of__ the__ matter__ is,__I__ can__'__t__ really__ say__ with__ any __certainty.__''_

''What if the Volturi _are_ behind it, but not all of them?'' I blurted, drawing everyone's eyes. ''It could be one or two of them, but working very quietly, hiding behind the Memento Mori. We knew that the prophecy was missing, and where did it go missing from? From the Volterra Archives, the same place where they keep this magical database of vampires _and_ marked humans. Someone in the Volturi has gone to very great lengths to keep this prophecy hidden from everyone else, and to use it to their own advantage.''

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><p><strong>Awww, evil cliffhanger again, I know. Please read and review!<strong>


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